Funny Insults

Insults

Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.

InsultRating
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
 
1464
 
269
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
 
912
 
178
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
 
894
 
215
Yo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
 
459
 
115
I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
 
716
 
193
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
 
672
 
187
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
 
387
 
109
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
 
581
 
165
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
 
699
 
199
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
 
455
 
134
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
 
314
 
94
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
 
465
 
140
If you are going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.
 
227
 
68
Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
 
489
 
151
You're not funny, but your life, now that's a joke.
 
164
 
51
Well I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
 
356
 
115
If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass.
 
285
 
92
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
 
343
 
111
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
 
380
 
124
Hey, you have somthing on your chin... no, the 3rd one down
 
278
 
91
You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
 
382
 
126
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable -- like a coma.
 
386
 
128
You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are KFC.
 
219
 
73
If I were to slap you, it would be considered animal abuse!
 
220
 
74
Your face makes onions cry.
 
203
 
69
Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
 
192
 
67
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
 
267
 
95
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
 
161
 
58
You didn't fall out of the stupid tree. You were dragged through dumbass forest.
 
188
 
68
You're so fat you need cheat codes to play Wii Fit
 
149
 
54
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
 
159
 
58
You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?
 
175
 
64
At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn't hit me in the face.
 
237
 
87
Oh my God, look at you. Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
 
180
 
66
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
 
204
 
75
Why don't you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.
 
178
 
66
I'll never forget the first time we met, although I'll keep trying.
 
148
 
55
It's kinda sad watching you attempt to fit your entire vocabulary into a sentence.
 
299
 
112
Shock me, say something intelligent.
 
256
 
97
Don't feel sad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
 
218
 
83
What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?
 
216
 
83
You're so ugly, when you got robbed, the robbers made you wear their masks.
 
172
 
66
You are so stupid, you'd trip over a cordless phone.
 
159
 
62
Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin!
 
113
 
44
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
 
138
 
54
Why dont you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal.
 
124
 
49
You shouldn't play hide and seek, no one would look for you.
 
81
 
32
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
 
103
 
41
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
 
179
 
73
You only annoy me when you're breathing.
 
125
 
52
Looks like you fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 
121
 
51
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
 
132
 
57
You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
 
150
 
65
Your parents hated you so much your bath toys were an iron and a toaster
 
138
 
60
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back!
 
140
 
61
You're so ugly, the only dates you get are on a calendar.
 
55
 
24
You're so fat, your double chin has a double chin.
 
55
 
24
You get as much action as a nine button on a microwave.
 
95
 
42
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
 
97
 
43
You look like a before picture.
 
161
 
72
I heard you went to a haunted house and they offered you a job.
 
140
 
63
You're so ugly, when you popped out the doctor said "Aww what a treasure" and your mom said "Yeah, lets bury it."
 
62
 
28
When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?
 
100
 
46
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
 
130
 
60
Just wait till you can't fit your hand in the Pringles tubes, then where will you get your daily nutrition from?
 
87
 
40
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
 
169
 
79
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head
 
181
 
85
You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.
 
77
 
36
You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
 
79
 
37
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
 
135
 
64
We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
 
96
 
46
Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.
 
65
 
31
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
 
114
 
55
You're so dumb, your dog teaches you tricks.
 
114
 
55
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!
 
109
 
53
Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
 
96
 
47
I fart to make you smell better.
 
49
 
24
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
 
77
 
38
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
 
132
 
66
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
 
130
 
65
You're as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
 
120
 
60
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
 
118
 
59
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
 
108
 
54
You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.
 
90
 
45
Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?
 
83
 
42
You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
 
79
 
40
So you've changed your mind, does this one work any better?
 
108
 
55
100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?
 
71
 
36
If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
 
88
 
45
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
 
109
 
56
You must be on the seafood diet. When you see food, you eat it!
 
49
 
25
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the 'impression' that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
 
97
 
50
You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
 
72
 
37
You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!
 
95
 
49
I was pro life before I met you.
 
54
 
28
I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but that would be an improvement!
 
52
 
27
You're so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.
 
67
 
35
You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
 
106
 
56
If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.
 
83
 
44
Are your parents siblings?
 
77
 
41
You act like your arrogance is a virtue.
 
86
 
46
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
 
57
 
31
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
 
75
 
41
Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!
 
64
 
35
You're not exactly bad looking. There's just one little problem between your ears - your face!
 
62
 
34
With a face like yours, I'd wish I was blind.
 
74
 
41
Everyone who ever loved you was wrong.
 
88
 
53
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
 
48
 
29
You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.
 
48
 
29
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
 
43
 
26
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
 
54
 
33
You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
 
57
 
35
You're a light eater alright. As soon as it gets light, you starts eating.
 
31
 
19
Your head is so big you have to step into your shirts.
 
37
 
23
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
 
43
 
27
You have the perfect face for radio.
 
68
 
43
Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
 
35
 
22
You're so fat, you have to use a mattress as a maxi-pad.
 
49
 
31
You're so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you!
 
38
 
24
You must think you're strong, but you only smell strong.
 
52
 
33
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
 
27
 
17
You're so stupid you tried to wake a sleeping bag.
 
47
 
30
It's too bad stupidity isn't painful.
 
63
 
41
What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
 
40
 
26
If my dog had your face, I would shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
 
46
 
30
Come again when you can't stay quite so long.
 
32
 
21
Looks aren't everything; in your case, they aren't anything
 
38
 
25
Is that your face? Or did your neck just throw up?
 
39
 
26
Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet.
 
36
 
24
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
 
33
 
22
I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.
 
30
 
20
For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.
 
27
 
18
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
 
49
 
33
You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.
 
43
 
29
If a crackhead saw you, he'd think he needs to go on a diet.
 
40
 
27
Your dad's condom is a bigger than your personality.
 
34
 
23
You better hope you marry rich.
 
31
 
21
You're so ugly, they call you the exterminator, because you kill bugs on sight.
 
28
 
19
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
 
41
 
28
If your brain was made of chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.
 
38
 
26
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
 
38
 
26
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
 
48
 
33
You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.
 
35
 
24
You have a very sympathetic face. It has everyone's sympathy.
 
45
 
31
I'm blonde, what's your excuse?
 
49
 
34
You'll make a great first wife some day.
 
39
 
27
You must have a Teflon brain, because nothing sticks.
 
36
 
25
You're so ugly words can't explain it. So I'll just go throw up.
 
26
 
18
You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
 
43
 
30
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
 
50
 
35
Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
 
50
 
35
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
 
33
 
23
You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.
 
30
 
21
Don't get insulted, but is your life devoted to spreading ignorance?
 
30
 
21
You have enough fat to make another human.
 
34
 
24
You conserve toilet paper by using both sides.
 
41
 
29
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
 
41
 
29
You are so old, you fart dust.
 
45
 
32
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
 
42
 
30
Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
 
35
 
25
You're the reason they invented double doors!
 
35
 
25
You occasionally stumble over the truth, but you quickly pick yourself up and carry on as if nothing happened.
 
46
 
33
You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
 
62
 
45
Nice tan, orange is my favorite color.
 
48
 
35
The clothes you wear are so ugly even a scarecrow wouldn't wear them.
 
37
 
28
There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
 
39
 
30
You're so fat, if you got your shoes shined, you'd have to take their word for it!
 
31
 
24
If your brain exploded, it wouldn't even mess up your hair.
 
37
 
29
Your hockey team made you goalie so you'd have to wear a mask.
 
29
 
23
If I had a dollar for every brain you didn't have, I'd have one dollar.
 
35
 
28
There are more calories in your stomach than in the local supermarket!
 
37
 
30
People like you are the reason I work out.
 
37
 
31
You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat.
 
31
 
26
Your ambition outweighs your relevant skills.
 
38
 
32
You're as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
 
32
 
27
You're so fat, when you jump in the air, you get stuck!
 
32
 
27
If you were any dumber I would have to water you twice a week.
 
27
 
23
Being around you is like having a cancer of the soul.
 
42
 
36
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
 
35
 
30
Your ears are so big when you stand on a mountain they look like trophy handles.
 
31
 
27
Your breath is so stinky, we look forward to your farts.
 
31
 
28
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
 
29
 
27
You're so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad.
 
33
 
31
Your asinine simian countenance alludes that your fetid stench has anulled the anthropoid ape species diversity.
 
37
 
35
You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!
 
26
 
25
You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.
 
28
 
28
Two legged stool sample.
 
23
 
23
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
 
32
 
33
The sound of your urine hitting the urinal sounds feminine.
 
30
 
31
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
 
27
 
28
You're so old, you walked into an antique shop and they put you on display.
 
22
 
23
Yeah you're pretty, pretty stupid
 
28
 
30
You know you're fat when no one has mentioned you're also ginger.
 
33
 
36
You're so fat your shadow casts a shadow.
 
25
 
28
You're so ugly, if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you for mooning!
 
23
 
26
The best part of you is still running down your old mans leg.
 
28
 
32
I'd say that you're funny but looks aren't everything.
 
24
 
28
Nice shirt, what brand is it? Clearance?
 
29
 
34
You're so fat, when you take a shower your feet don't get wet!
 
28
 
34
It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.
 
23
 
28
You prefer three left turns to one right turn.
 
27
 
33
You're so fat, you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people you are backing up.
 
26
 
32
When it comes to IQ, you lose some every time you use the bathroom.
 
25
 
31
Hold on, I'll go find you a tampon.
 
29
 
36
Your mom must have a really loud bark!
 
24
 
33
I wish you no harm, but it would have been much better if you had never lived.
 
26
 
36
Your face is so ugly, when you cry the tears run UP your face.
 
32
 
45
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
 
26
 
37
You grow on people, like a wart!
 
27
 
39
You're so fat your belly button has an echo echo echo...
 
31
 
47
Please tell me you don't home-school your kids.
 
38
 
58
Your brain must be made out of rocking horse shit.
 
18
 
33
When anorexics see you, they think they need to go on a diet.
 
35
 
68
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
 
30
 
68
You're stupid because you're blonde.
 
130
 
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