Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
Hey baby, meeting you has given me a new leash on life.
I don't normally pick up at the park. I let my owner do it.
Your car's reliability is a cruel joke, a constant source of breakdowns and expensive repairs.
The seats in your car are as uncomfortable as sitting on a bed of nails, inflicting torture on your passengers.
Your car is a complete and utter piece of shit, a rolling testament to your poor life choices and lack of taste.
Looking at your car is like witnessing a tragic accident, a horrifying reminder of the consequences of poor automotive judgment.
Your car's exterior is so hideous, it could make a blind person weep tears of agony.
Driving your car is like subjecting yourself to a torture chamber on wheels, where discomfort and disappointment are your constant companions.
What if the Pilgrims shot a bobcat instead of a turkey? We'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!
Are you a sugar maple? Because I'd totally tap you.
I wouldn't mind if your beaver built a dam in my river.
On scale of one to 10, you're a poutine.
What type of potato chip is Santa's favorite? Crisp Pringles
Hey baby, Is your name clinical depression? Because you make me want to stay in bed all day trapped beneath your weight.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Who needs drugs that will stimulate dopamine transmission when simply being with you does the trick.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
You're like an N95 mask—irreplaceable and essential.
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
Hey, you have somthing on your chin... no, the 3rd one down
At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn't hit me in the face.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Even the chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
Play with fire and you end up burnt, play with a firefighter and you end up wet.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
If you were a basketball, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
I know a great recovery for jet lag.
There are more calories in your stomach than in the local supermarket!
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
You're as useless as a knitted condom.
5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.
What do you give a train conductor for Christmas? Platform shoes
I love a good South of the border crossing.
Hi dollface, wanna come uplines and let me park my throbbing spaceship in your steaming volcano?
I've got a little something for you to gobble on.
I'm an umpire. Now, give me your number so I can make the call.
Are you a slippery pool deck? Because I'm falling for you.
You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
Your IQ is roughly around room temperature.
You're so ugly, when you popped out the doctor said "Aww what a treasure" and your mom said "Yeah, lets bury it."
Can I curl up in your arms and let the beat of your heart soothe me to sleep? Because that sounds absolutely lovely.
Roses are red, my face is too, that only happens when I'm around you
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
How would you like to switch the gears on my tractor?
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
Are you British? Because you've colonized my heart.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
You are like my snorkel, because you're wrapped around my mind.
Are you the black line? Because I'm lost without you.
Are you the end of practice? Because you're always on my mind.
Babe trust me, the only time I'd play games with you is on the court.
A tractor? That's what I'm trying to do!
You're so ugly you scare the shit back into people.
You're like an exposed electrical wire. Hot and dangerous.
Baby are you the 400IM because you sure take my breathe away.
Baby you're as irresistible as pulling on the lane line during backstroke.
I'm going to make like Toy Story and get Buzzed so I can play with your Woody.
You shouldn't play hide and seek, no one would look for you.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?
There's a band called 1023MB. -- They haven't had any gigs yet
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass.
Lets play war, I'll lay down, and you blow the hell outta me.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
You bleach your hair? Im the same way! I bleach the bloodstains out of my carpet!
I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party? It was a scream
Are you a lanerope because I can't seem to stop hitting on you?
Boy: Mommy, can I have a dog for Christmas? Mommy: No you'll have turkey like everyone else.
Lets have a tonic and get to your root.
Your car's exhaust emits a noxious cloud of pollutants, contributing to the degradation of the environment.
My striped stockings would look great on your bedroom floor.
Are you my anti-depression pills? Because I can't smile without you.
Are you a drain strainer? Because you've kept all the bad stuff out of my life.
If I were a painter, I'd put you down in paint. I'd hang you by the Mona Lisa and put that girl to shame.
You're like a plumbing apprenticeship—worth all the effort.
Since I met you I feel like the cat who got the cream.
I will curry on loving you, for as long as life will aloo me.
I'd travel 40 years in the wilderness to find you.
When does your brother bring his new girlfriend to dinner? Skanksgiving.
Since chocolate is toxic to me, how 'bout a little sugar?
The only greater landmass than the continent of Asia is the mass contained in these arms [flex arms, raise one eyebrow].
If you are my basketball , I'll never pass because I want to keep u all to myself.
Once you've had Alberta beef, you'll never go back.
Allah created everyone in pairs, so what are you doing, single?
Do you work at Starbucks? Because I like you a latte.
The brakes on your car are about as effective as using a feather to stop a charging bull.
Are you Phineas Gage? Because I lost my mind for you.
Nice beaver you got there, mind if I pet it?
Your car's fuel efficiency is laughable, guzzling gas like a thirsty elephant in a desert.
