Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
If you are going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don't.
You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you never use it.
On scale of one to 10, you're a poutine.
I wouldn't mind if your beaver built a dam in my river.
I'm not saying you're fat, but I heard the cookie jar is considering a restraining order against you.
Are you a sugar maple? Because I'd totally tap you.
Hey baby, Is your name clinical depression? Because you make me want to stay in bed all day trapped beneath your weight.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
What if the Pilgrims shot a bobcat instead of a turkey? We'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!
Hey baby, wanna boldly go where no man has been before?
Whats a ghost's favorate type of car? - A boo-ick
Who needs drugs that will stimulate dopamine transmission when simply being with you does the trick.
I don't normally pick up at the park. I let my owner do it.
Hey baby, meeting you has given me a new leash on life.
Is that your dog's tail wagging or are you just happy to see me?
Where does a ghost refuel his porche? - At a ghastly station.
I'll let you sniff mine if i can sniff yours.
Doggy style?
I've crossed all the dog parks in the world to find you.
ee, your ass smells terrific!
You make me want to be a more obedient dog.
Are you feline the connection between us?
You have a face that could make a train take a dirt road.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
You're like an N95 mask—irreplaceable and essential.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
Hey, you have somthing on your chin... no, the 3rd one down
At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn't hit me in the face.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Even the chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
Play with fire and you end up burnt, play with a firefighter and you end up wet.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
Boy: Mommy, can I have a dog for Christmas? Mommy: No you'll have turkey like everyone else.
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party? It was a scream
I know a great recovery for jet lag.
If you were a basketball, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
There are more calories in your stomach than in the local supermarket!
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
You're as useless as a knitted condom.
You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
I've got a little something for you to gobble on.
Hi dollface, wanna come uplines and let me park my throbbing spaceship in your steaming volcano?
Looking at you is like staring into the depths of hell, a grotesque abomination of nature.
If ugliness was a profession, you'd be the CEO.
I love a good South of the border crossing.
I'm an umpire. Now, give me your number so I can make the call.
Are you a slippery pool deck? Because I'm falling for you.
I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
Your IQ is roughly around room temperature.
You're so ugly, when you popped out the doctor said "Aww what a treasure" and your mom said "Yeah, lets bury it."
Roses are red, my face is too, that only happens when I'm around you
Can I curl up in your arms and let the beat of your heart soothe me to sleep? Because that sounds absolutely lovely.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
How would you like to switch the gears on my tractor?
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
A tractor? That's what I'm trying to do!
Babe trust me, the only time I'd play games with you is on the court.
Are you the black line? Because I'm lost without you.
You are like my snorkel, because you're wrapped around my mind.
Are you the end of practice? Because you're always on my mind.
You're so ugly you scare the shit back into people.
When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?
I'm going to make like Toy Story and get Buzzed so I can play with your Woody.
You're like an exposed electrical wire. Hot and dangerous.
Baby are you the 400IM because you sure take my breathe away.
Baby you're as irresistible as pulling on the lane line during backstroke.
You shouldn't play hide and seek, no one would look for you.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
There's a band called 1023MB. -- They haven't had any gigs yet
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass.
Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
Lets play war, I'll lay down, and you blow the hell outta me.
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
Lets have a tonic and get to your root.
Your face is a visual assault, a crime against humanity that should be punishable by law.
Are you Phineas Gage? Because I lost my mind for you.
The only greater landmass than the continent of Asia is the mass contained in these arms [flex arms, raise one eyebrow].
Congratulations, you've managed to achieve a level of ugliness that defies all known standards of aesthetics.
Allah created everyone in pairs, so what are you doing, single?
Since chocolate is toxic to me, how 'bout a little sugar?
