Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
You remind me of a Twinkie. Every time I bite into you, you cream in my mouth.
Why don't you listen to your heart and go out with me? (holding stethoscope)
I'll be your xena if you be my Gabrielle...
I can help you. I have fingers.
Lower your shields and let me into your heart.
I am no Will Wheaton, but I've got a Crusher on you.
Are you a running back? Because I want to run into your arms.
I am a hot lesbian, hold my hand.
I have 8 inches of plastic for you.
You must be accounts receivable, because I've been waiting for you my whole life.
Baby are you tired because you've been running through my reticular formation all day.
You can count on star but you can't ever count on how much I miss you.
Are you depression? Cause I want you to fuck me all day long.
Why don't we head over to my pick-up truck and turnip the beet?
According to the Similarity Attraction Effect, I must be attractive because you're beautiful.
I think you're the missing piece to complete my circuit.
Are you Barça? Cause you always have possession of my heart.
What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? They get their masters.
Are you dopamine? Because I just can't seem to get enough of you.
Are you a word thief? Becasue I've run out of things to say...
I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
I only thought about you once today. I just never stopped.
All births are an Emergency.
Are you a legal memo? Because you've outlined everything I need to be happy.
I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U...
You must be a field, because I can't stop gazing at your beauty.
Which reindeer have the shortest legs? The smallest ones
Are you sustainable agriculture? Cuz you're all I need to survive.
You have the cutest smile when you sleep.
If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
Is that corn in your silo, or did you have to plant barley this year too?
Are you a trap seal? Because you've locked in all my feelings.
Are you a thief? Because you've stolen my heart. Now get in the trunk.
You don't need car keys to drive me crazy. But I need them to run you over.
I've got a knife and a penis and one of them is going inside you.
Are you a med student? Because you've just aced the anatomy of my heart.
You can tell a lot about a man by the size of his yield.
That shirt looks great on you, but it would look even better in an evidence bag.
That hijab really compliments your eyes.
You're not allergic to duct tape are you?
The astronomer quit his job to become a barber. Eclipse hair now.
If I said you had a monoclonal antibody, would you hold it against me?
Your teeth are so white! They're gonna make a great necklace.
Wow, you're gorgeous! Your head would look great in my freezer!
Girl. Let me be your imam.
You and my cardiac stent have something in common, my heart needs you.
Bird-dogs are great for music, because they're both woofers and tweeters.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but there are still dinosaurs out there, right?
I hope you don't object to this leading question but, you want me don't you?
Let's strengthen our hips together!
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class.
I want to rosin your bow.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day? - Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
How do pinnipeds communicate? With seal phones.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but Paint is the same as Photoshop, right?
Ever do it on a portoledge?
Do you like water? Then you would like 70% of me.
How do I tell my dog he was adopted?
The race car driver had a checkered past.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
I'm not saying you're fat, but I heard the cookie jar is considering a restraining order against you.
Are you a medical license? Because you're proof that perfection exists.
When the shoe store owner discovered that someone had broken into his store, the police pumped him for information.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
What's your favorite Baudelaire poem?
May I dig my nails into your back?
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies sorry mate we only do plain
Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
Psst.. Hey babe, I got some nip
I never knew hellish demons flew so close to the ground.
That's a nice black lace Victorian-era corset. But it would look nicer crumpled up in a ball on my bedroom floor!
You've got more curves than a cross country track.
You're so hot! I'd like to date you before you're cool!
A monster who likes to ring doorbells is a knock less monster.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? -- Guardians of the Galaxy.
Hi. I play harmonica in Arcade Fire. Wanna bang?
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What's your gear ratio?
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I might study something at a university that someone once told me about - there is a degree of ambiguity there.
Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie? - He didn't have the guts.
Zookeepers spot clean their leopards.
Well hey there darlin, wanna see my lasso?
Would you and your friend like to get some team roping?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google office and ask them shit in person.
Hey missy, I wouldn't mind throwin a lasso around your boots and a pullin you this a way.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
The only thing brighter than your spikes is your smile.
Hey babe are you a swimmer? Cause you've been swimming through my mind all day.
Are you a cartographer? Because you have mileage markers in all the right places.
Hold on, I have something in my shoe I'm pretty sure it's a foot
Baby you full a curves like the pad aisle!
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
