Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
I'm not saying you're fat, but I heard the cookie jar is considering a restraining order against you.
What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Ever do it on a portoledge?
How do pinnipeds communicate? With seal phones.
What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day? - Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I want to rosin your bow.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class.
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
Let's strengthen our hips together!
I hope you don't object to this leading question but, you want me don't you?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but there are still dinosaurs out there, right?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but Paint is the same as Photoshop, right?
Do you like water? Then you would like 70% of me.
How do I tell my dog he was adopted?
The race car driver had a checkered past.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
If there's anything I know how to do the right way... it's lay pipe. I'm happy to prove it!
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
Are you a hospital bed? Because I'd rest easy with you by my side.
I love you beyond a reasonable doubt.
Wanna check what's inside this brief?
You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.
Are you in some kind of fitness protection program?
Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
You're so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
Hello, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual
How'd you like to be in my will?
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
If you were a soccer ball, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, there is no better place than to be here with you.
I'm like Arsenal: I'll stay on top but I'll finish second.
We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
Looks like you fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
You're so dumb, you think a lawsuit is something you wear to court.
Don't save me just yet. Let me go down a few times.
You get as much action as a nine button on a microwave.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I'm not saying you're fat, but it looks like you were poured into your clothes and someone forgot to say "when"
Whip it out and show me what you got, so I can save the disappointment from later.
Are you David Beckham? Because I'd bend for you.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket? Cause I'm diggin that ass!
I'd like to grease you up like a pig and chase you round the barnyard.
You look like you could use some help rubbing in that tanning oil.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? -- Because they can't C#
Are we head-to-wind because I think I luff you.
I've been called worse things by better people
You're not exactly bad looking. There's just one little problem between your ears - your face!
You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.
You are so stupid, you'd trip over a cordless phone.
Guys drive big cars to make up for a lack of something else. Wanna know why I drive a Mini Cooper?
If I said you had a pale body would you hold it against me?
Women should always stick together, thigh to thigh.
Excuse me, can you spot me? I think I'm falling for you.
You know, bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.
Hey fellas, let's bowl some balls?
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
I'm no proctologist, but I know as asshole when I see one.
God made mountains, God made trees, God made you but we all make mistakes.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
You spin my heart like a globe.
Let's build a home in the desert. We can Gobi together forever!
You are the roux to my veloute.
Do you live in a cornfield? Because I'm stalking you.
There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it
Are you a black line? Because I could stare at you all day long.
How about we go to my garage and see what's under the hood.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? I just want to make sure my eyeliner is on thick enough.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.
You can come over a work in process but I'll make sure you leave a finished good.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
You're so fat, your double chin has a double chin.
Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.
Wanna come over and watch Left Behind?
What was Forrest Gump's email password? -- 1forrest1
So you're straight? So are noodles until they get hot.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I have tea.
Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?
Yea I'm like pizza. You can have me all at once or save me for several days.
Did you just fall out of a B-17? Because you're the bomb.
I'm the boot, you're the lace holding me together.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
Your ugliness is so profound, it could make a horror movie director run out of ideas.
I was reading my Bible the other day, and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "greet one another with a holy kiss?"
Let's not keep score so we can keep it at love.
Do you like Pizza Hut? Because I want to stuff your crust.
I would hit that like the side of a tree on Endor.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.
Are you a toaster? Cause I'd be down to take a bath with you.
That bathing suit would look a lot better on the floor next to my bed.
Hey girl, is your name 400 IM? 'Cause you took my breath away.
