Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
You're not allergic to duct tape are you?
Your teeth are so white! They're gonna make a great necklace.
Wow, you're gorgeous! Your head would look great in my freezer!
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
You and my cardiac stent have something in common, my heart needs you.
To a 4 banger - Sounds like all the masters are running.
Are you a medical license? Because you're proof that perfection exists.
Are you a hospital bed? Because I'd rest easy with you by my side.
Psst.. Hey babe, I got some nip
How do I tell my dog he was adopted?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but Paint is the same as Photoshop, right?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but there are still dinosaurs out there, right?
I want to rosin your bow.
Are you a med student? Because you've just aced the anatomy of my heart.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
You must be a field, because I can't stop gazing at your beauty.
What can't you give the headless horseman? - A headache.
Are you a legal memo? Because you've outlined everything I need to be happy.
Are you a trap seal? Because you've locked in all my feelings.
I think you're the missing piece to complete my circuit.
You must be accounts receivable, because I've been waiting for you my whole life.
Your car is a pathetic excuse for transportation, a rolling embarrassment on wheels.
The only thing your car is good for is as a source of laughter for everyone who sees it.
Your car is so old and rusty, it's a living testament to the concept of decay and neglect.
Driving your car is like riding in a tin can of disappointment and regret.
Your double chin is so prominent, it's trying to start its own Instagram account and become a social media influencer.
Are you a running back? Because I want to run into your arms.
Why don't ghost have bands? - They get booooed.
What's your favorite Baudelaire poem?
Miss Sweetnees…ef mi was babylon (police) mi would haffi charge with the crime of niceness cyan done
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
May I dig my nails into your back?
I never knew hellish demons flew so close to the ground.
That's a nice black lace Victorian-era corset. But it would look nicer crumpled up in a ball on my bedroom floor!
You're so hot! I'd like to date you before you're cool!
Hi. I play harmonica in Arcade Fire. Wanna bang?
Are you an apprentice? Because you've already mastered the art of stealing my heart.
What's your gear ratio?
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? -- Guardians of the Galaxy.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Well hey there darlin, wanna see my lasso?
You're so ugly, I'm starting to think you're a master of disguise – disguising a beautiful soul under that face.
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google office and ask them shit in person.
Baby yuh sell inna Pings? Yuh luk like two yaad a wife material
You're so ugly, you made a scarecrow win a beauty pageant by comparison.
You're useless as tits on a snowman, because even Frosty had a carrot nose that served a purpose.
Baby you full a curves like the pad aisle!
What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
You're useless as tits on a mermaid, because mermaids can swim, and you can barely tread water in life.
Gal Mi wan pose wid yuh likah domino
You're useless as tits on a robot, because robots can do actual things, unlike you.
Baby you skin clean like dunce pikni book!
Would you and your friend like to get some team roping?
Do you like jalapeños? Cause in a minute I'll be jalapeño pants tonigh.
Hey missy, I wouldn't mind throwin a lasso around your boots and a pullin you this a way.
Your face is like a puzzle, and all the pieces are in the wrong places.
I'm not saying you're ugly, but I've seen more attractive traffic accidents.
You're as useless as a chocolate teapot in a desert survival kit.
You're as useless as a superhero with a fear of heights and a penchant for procrastination.
You're as useless as a chocolate teapot in a caffeine-free zone.
You're as useless as a master chef who can only cook ramen noodles.
Are you a bottle of Tabasco sauce? Cause I'd like to lose your top.
Your ugliness is like a work of art – it's unique, captivating, and makes me question the sanity of the creator.
You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.
Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
You're so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
Hello, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual
How'd you like to be in my will?
If you were a soccer ball, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, there is no better place than to be here with you.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'm not saying you're fat, but it looks like you were poured into your clothes and someone forgot to say "when"
I'm like Arsenal: I'll stay on top but I'll finish second.
We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
Looks like you fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
You get as much action as a nine button on a microwave.
Don't save me just yet. Let me go down a few times.
You're so dumb, you think a lawsuit is something you wear to court.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Whip it out and show me what you got, so I can save the disappointment from later.
Are you David Beckham? Because I'd bend for you.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket? Cause I'm diggin that ass!
Are we head-to-wind because I think I luff you.
I'd like to grease you up like a pig and chase you round the barnyard.
You look like you could use some help rubbing in that tanning oil.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? -- Because they can't C#
I've been called worse things by better people
You're not exactly bad looking. There's just one little problem between your ears - your face!
You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.
You are so stupid, you'd trip over a cordless phone.
Excuse me, can you spot me? I think I'm falling for you.
Guys drive big cars to make up for a lack of something else. Wanna know why I drive a Mini Cooper?
Women should always stick together, thigh to thigh.
If I said you had a pale body would you hold it against me?
You know, bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.
