Short Jokes

Short & Funny Jokes

Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.

Short and Funny JokesRating
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
 
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What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!
 
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
 
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Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.
 
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If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
 
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
 
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If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
 
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.
 
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
 
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1
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
 
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before?
 
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3
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
 
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3
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
 
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Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
 
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Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
 
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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!
 
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What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
 
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Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.
 
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? -- Damn
 
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
 
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Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.
 
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns? -- Because they taste funny.
 
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How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.
 
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Did you hear what happened to the blonde hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
 
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What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.
 
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Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
 
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What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
 
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? -- His lips are moving.
 
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I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
 
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I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
 
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
 
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I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
 
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? -- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
 
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How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.
 
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Why can't an idiot dial 911? -- He can't find the 11 on the phone!
 
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
 
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Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.
 
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Fat people are harder to kidnap.
 
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
 
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Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
 
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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? -- Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
 
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
 
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Q. What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!
 
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What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
 
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Where do you get virgin wool? -- Ugly sheep.
 
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Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
 
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I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
 
20
 
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Where do horses go shopping? Old-neighvy
 
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2
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
 
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6
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
 
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5
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? -- Because he felt crummy!
 
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5
Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they'll look forward to the trip.
 
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? -- A fsh
 
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
 
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How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
 
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3
Granddad, what's the best thing about being 100? -- No peer pressure
 
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What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.
 
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Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
 
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
 
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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -- The taste!
 
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Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
 
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
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Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
 
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Why does the blonde have the biggest boobs in the sixth grade? Because she's 18.
 
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
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Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
 
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Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
 
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George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" Swine flu?
 
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5
Stop worrying about your job, you're not paid enough to worry.
 
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
 
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What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.
 
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What do you do if a bird shits on your car? -- Don't ask her out again.
 
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I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
 
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What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
 
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2
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
 
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What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? “Supplies!”
 
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
 
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Why did the blonde wash her hair in the kitchen sink? Because that's where you wash vegetables.
 
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How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
 
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Irish saying - There are only three kinds of men who don't understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.
 
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Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
 
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I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!
 
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
 
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? -- He's all right now.
 
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Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
 
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
 
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What if there were no hypothetical situations?
 
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Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?
 
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What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor.
 
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Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? -- Because she just had her hair done!
 
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How can you kill an stupid person with a coin? Throw it in front of an oncoming bus.
 
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The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't got the joke yet.
 
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What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? $100 bill
 
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Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look? A: Duh!
 
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What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
 
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How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off the cliff!
 
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Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
 
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Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
 
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Is this insecticide good for beetles. - No, it'll kill them!
 
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Q:Do you talk to your wife after sex? A:Depends, if I can find the phone!
 
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8
For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls.
 
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The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
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I've just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.
 
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
 
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Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it...
 
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Why are pirates so mean? They just arrrr!
 
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Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
 
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What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
 
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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work!
 
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7
Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
 
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What does a mathematician do when he's consitpated? -- He works it out with a pencil
 
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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works.
 
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What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him!
 
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
 
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What do you get when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? -- Data transfer.
 
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Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
 
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
 
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How does a man show that he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
 
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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
 
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7
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
 
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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
 
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
 
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What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares!
 
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Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? The sun was out.
 
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Why are horses always so fit? Because they're on a stable diet.
 
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4
A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?
 
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Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff
 
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Why did the blonde run with the bike? It was going too fast for her to get on.
 
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The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key!
 
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How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? -- Shine a light into her ear.
 
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Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician 100 feet down? Because deep down they are really good people.
 
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Can fat people go skinny dipping?
 
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? -- He had no body to go with him!
 
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Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? A. I just love baskin' robins.
 
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You can't kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would.
 
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Want to look thinner? Hang out with fat people.
 
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? -- You look a little pail!
 
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Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? -- It swells during the night!
 
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What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? -- Shoe!
 
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What's the difference between a 16'' pizza and a musician? -- A 16" pizza can feed a family of four.
 
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5
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? -- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
 
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3
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
 
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What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
 
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Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
 
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Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? Because she wanted to make up her mind.
 
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What do dim lamps and blondes have in common? They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.
 
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Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
 
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What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.
 
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Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering? A: Shoot her again.
 
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13
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
 
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 
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What make a forum? -- A two-um plus a two-um
 
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6
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the stove.
 
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5
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
 
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Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
 
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What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through something so small?
 
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Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!
 
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The Irish way - Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here. We'll surely be doing that after you leave.
 
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4
A blonde walked into a bar -- OUCHH!!!
 
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What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
 
2
 
3
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.
 
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3
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
 
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Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
 
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Why does the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet every morning? -- To feed the toilet duck
 
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5
A magician was driving down the road -- then he turned into a drive way.
 
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How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
 
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I've been trying to push the envelope at work, but it's still stationery.
 
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6
How to you wake Lady Gaga? Poke 'er face.
 
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What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O' Furniture
 
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Only in American will you see "poor" fat people.
 
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