Short Jokes

Short & Funny Jokes

Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.

Short and Funny JokesRating
Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
 
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Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?
 
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
 
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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!
 
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? -- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
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I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
 
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What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.
 
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Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
 
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What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
 
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Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.
 
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
 
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Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
 
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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work!
 
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? -- His lips are moving.
 
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
 
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What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
 
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
 
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Why can't an idiot dial 911? -- He can't find the 11 on the phone!
 
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Q. What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!
 
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I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
 
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? -- Damn
 
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
 
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
 
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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
 
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I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
 
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Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
 
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How does a man show that he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
 
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Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.
 
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Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
 
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital? -- Because he felt crummy!
 
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What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? -- Shoe!
 
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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
 
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Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
 
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
 
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
 
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What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
 
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How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.
 
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Fat people are harder to kidnap.
 
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I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
 
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I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
 
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I asked my wife to let me know next time she climaxed but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.
 
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Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
 
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I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
 
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
 
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Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
 
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Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
 
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
 
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
 
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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
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I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!
 
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Q:Do you talk to your wife after sex? A:Depends, if I can find the phone!
 
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Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
 
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
 
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Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? A. I just love baskin' robins.
 
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Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look? A: Duh!
 
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Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician 100 feet down? Because deep down they are really good people.
 
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? -- He had no body to go with him!
 
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? -- You look a little pail!
 
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
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George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" Swine flu?
 
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
 
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For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls.
 
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What's the difference between a 16'' pizza and a musician? -- A 16" pizza can feed a family of four.
 
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What does a mathematician do when he's consitpated? -- He works it out with a pencil
 
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
 
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Where do you get virgin wool? -- Ugly sheep.
 
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How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
 
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Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.
 
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How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
 
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Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
 
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? -- A fsh
 
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What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? $100 bill
 
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Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
 
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Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
 
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What if there were no hypothetical situations?
 
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Why does the blonde have the biggest boobs in the sixth grade? Because she's 18.
 
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Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
 
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Irish saying - There are only three kinds of men who don't understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.
 
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The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't got the joke yet.
 
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Why did the blonde run with the bike? It was going too fast for her to get on.
 
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Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
 
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What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
 
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What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him!
 
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? -- He's all right now.
 
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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works.
 
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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
 
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Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
 
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
 
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What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor.
 
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Want to look thinner? Hang out with fat people.
 
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What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares!
 
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How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off the cliff!
 
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What do dim lamps and blondes have in common? They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.
 
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Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
 
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How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? -- Shine a light into her ear.
 
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 
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What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
 
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Can fat people go skinny dipping?
 
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I have glamour shots of my balls.
 
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What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.
 
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Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
 
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How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
 
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Is this insecticide good for beetles. - No, it'll kill them!
 
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
 
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Stop worrying about your job, you're not paid enough to worry.
 
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Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? -- Because she just had her hair done!
 
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Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
 
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How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the stove.
 
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How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.
 
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Why are pirates so mean? They just arrrr!
 
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The Irish way - Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here. We'll surely be doing that after you leave.
 
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Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering? A: Shoot her again.
 
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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
 
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What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
 
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Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff
 
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Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it...
 
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Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? -- It swells during the night!
 
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I've been trying to push the envelope at work, but it's still stationery.
 
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A blonde walked into a bar -- OUCHH!!!
 
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Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
 
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What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O' Furniture
 
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A magician was driving down the road -- then he turned into a drive way.
 
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What make a forum? -- A two-um plus a two-um
 
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Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!
 
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How to you wake Lady Gaga? Poke 'er face.
 
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A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?
 
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Only in American will you see "poor" fat people.
 
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Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they'll look forward to the trip.
 
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You can't kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would.
 
  
 
  
Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.
 
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If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
 
  
 
  
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
  
 
  
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
 
  
 
  
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
 
  
 
  
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
 
  
 
  
Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? The sun was out.
 
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
 
  
 
  
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before?
 
  
 
  
How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
 
  
 
  
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
 
  
 
  
What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!
 
  
 
  
The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key!
 
  
 
  
How can you kill an stupid person with a coin? Throw it in front of an oncoming bus.
 
  
 
  
What do you get when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? -- Data transfer.
 
  
 
  
Why does the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet every morning? -- To feed the toilet duck
 
  
 
  
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? -- Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
 
  
 
  
Granddad, what's the best thing about being 100? -- No peer pressure
 
  
 
  
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.
 
  
 
  
What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.
 
  
 
  
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? -- Don't ask her out again.
 
  
 
  
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? -- Because they taste funny.
 
  
 
  
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? -- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
 
  
 
  
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -- The taste!
 
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What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
 
  
 
  
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.
 
  
 
  
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
 
  
 
  
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
 
  
 
  
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through something so small?
 
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What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
 
  
 
  
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
 
  
 
  
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
  
 
  
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
 
  
 
  
I've just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.
 
  
 
  
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
 
  
 
  
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
 
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
 
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
 
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What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? “Supplies!”
 
  
 
  
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? Because she wanted to make up her mind.
 
  
 
  
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 
  
 
  
What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.
 
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Did you hear what happened to the blonde hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
 
  
 
  
Why did the blonde wash her hair in the kitchen sink? Because that's where you wash vegetables.
 
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