Short Jokes

Short & Funny Jokes

Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.

Short and Funny JokesRating
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.
 
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 
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What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
 
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
 
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My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
 
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.
 
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11
What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.
 
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What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!
 
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14
If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
 
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Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
 
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8
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
 
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12
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
 
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8
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
 
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16
Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
 
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19
How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
 
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9
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
 
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15
Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.
 
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26
How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.
 
43
 
13
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
 
69
 
21
I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
 
39
 
12
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? -- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 
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15
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
 
38
 
12
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? -- Damn
 
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14
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
 
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14
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
 
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11
Q. What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!
 
40
 
13
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
 
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14
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
 
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8
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? -- His lips are moving.
 
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14
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
 
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8
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
 
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21
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
 
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10
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!
 
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17
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
 
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8
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
19
 
7
Why can't an idiot dial 911? -- He can't find the 11 on the phone!
 
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12
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? -- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
 
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3
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
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11
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
 
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Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.
 
26
 
10
What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.
 
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5
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? -- He's all right now.
 
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9
Where do you get virgin wool? -- Ugly sheep.
 
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6
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
 
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8
Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
 
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Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
 
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13
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
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11
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
 
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11
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before?
 
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11
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
 
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9
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? “Supplies!”
 
17
 
7
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
 
29
 
12
What do you call a fish with no eyes? -- A fsh
 
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12
How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.
 
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6
Did you hear what happened to the blonde hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
 
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3
Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they'll look forward to the trip.
 
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7
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
 
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11
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
 
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4
Why does the blonde have the biggest boobs in the sixth grade? Because she's 18.
 
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13
I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
 
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What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
 
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23
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
 
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5
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work!
 
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7
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
 
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7
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
 
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
 
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10
I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
 
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I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!
 
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Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
 
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6
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
 
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
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11
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" Swine flu?
 
16
 
8
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
 
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12
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off the cliff!
 
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6
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
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5
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
 
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3
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.
 
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8
Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
 
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8
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
 
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
 
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6
What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.
 
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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? -- Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
 
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I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
 
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
 
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Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?
 
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
 
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What do you get when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? -- Data transfer.
 
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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -- The taste!
 
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How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
 
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4
Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it...
 
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8
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? -- Because they taste funny.
 
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Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
 
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Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician 100 feet down? Because deep down they are really good people.
 
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital? -- Because he felt crummy!
 
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What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
 
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In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
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Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look? A: Duh!
 
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? -- He had no body to go with him!
 
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What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him!
 
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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
 
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What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? $100 bill
 
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Q:Do you talk to your wife after sex? A:Depends, if I can find the phone!
 
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11
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
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Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
 
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Granddad, what's the best thing about being 100? -- No peer pressure
 
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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works.
 
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For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls.
 
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Why did the blonde run with the bike? It was going too fast for her to get on.
 
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What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
 
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How does a man show that he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
 
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
 
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7
I've just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.
 
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7
Why are pirates so mean? They just arrrr!
 
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7
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't got the joke yet.
 
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9
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
 
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12
Where do horses go shopping? Old-neighvy
 
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6
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through something so small?
 
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4
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
 
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How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
 
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Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
 
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7
Irish saying - There are only three kinds of men who don't understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.
 
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What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
 
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10
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
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5
Why are horses always so fit? Because they're on a stable diet.
 
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5
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
 
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5
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand"
 
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Is this insecticide good for beetles. - No, it'll kill them!
 
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Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? -- Because she just had her hair done!
 
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6
Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
 
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6
For anyone who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
 
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4
What does a mathematician do when he's consitpated? -- He works it out with a pencil
 
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8
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
 
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Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
 
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5
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
 
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? -- You look a little pail!
 
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What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares!
 
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6
Stop worrying about your job, you're not paid enough to worry.
 
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6
Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? The sun was out.
 
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Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? -- It swells during the night!
 
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The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key!
 
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7
Want to look thinner? Hang out with fat people.
 
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Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
 
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A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?
 
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How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? -- Shine a light into her ear.
 
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Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? A. I just love baskin' robins.
 
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Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff
 
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12
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
 
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What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor.
 
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6
You can't kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would.
 
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What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.
 
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Can fat people go skinny dipping?
 
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Women brush their hair before bed.
 
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A blonde walked into a bar -- OUCHH!!!
 
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What do you do if a bird shits on your car? -- Don't ask her out again.
 
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8
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
 
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What do dim lamps and blondes have in common? They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.
 
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7
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
 
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Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
 
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11
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 
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9
What's the difference between a 16'' pizza and a musician? -- A 16" pizza can feed a family of four.
 
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8
I've been trying to push the envelope at work, but it's still stationery.
 
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
 
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7
Why did the blonde wash her hair in the kitchen sink? Because that's where you wash vegetables.
 
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Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? Because she wanted to make up her mind.
 
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Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
 
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Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!
 
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5
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the stove.
 
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Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering? A: Shoot her again.
 
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Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
 
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How can you kill an stupid person with a coin? Throw it in front of an oncoming bus.
 
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8
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.
 
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4
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
 
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7
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
 
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6
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? -- Shoe!
 
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9
A magician was driving down the road -- then he turned into a drive way.
 
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13
How to you wake Lady Gaga? Poke 'er face.
 
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The Irish way - Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here. We'll surely be doing that after you leave.
 
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What make a forum? -- A two-um plus a two-um
 
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How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
 
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11
Only in American will you see "poor" fat people.
 
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What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O' Furniture
 
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Why does the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet every morning? -- To feed the toilet duck
 
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