| Short and Funny Jokes | Rating | Votes |
|---|
| Why can’t an idiot dial 911? -- He can’t find the 11 on the phone! |
|
4 |
| What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear! |
|
2 |
| How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. |
|
8 |
| I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi. |
|
13 |
| My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. |
|
31 |
| Fat people are harder to kidnap. |
|
8 |
| Doctor: You’re overweight.
Patient: I think I want a second opinion.
Doctor: You're also ugly.
|
|
26 |
| How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? --
His lips are moving. |
|
18 |
| I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. |
|
64 |
| Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict! |
|
5 |
| Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart? |
|
5 |
| If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean
Congress is the opposite of progress? |
|
12 |
| What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud. |
|
30 |
| What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? --
Damn |
|
9 |
| I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me. |
|
17 |
| If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? |
|
20 |
| What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. |
|
2 |
| What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone. |
|
8 |
| What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything. |
|
2 |
| Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more. |
|
2 |
| How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake. |
|
7 |
| Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience. |
|
22 |
| Q. What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A. Beer in each hand! |
|
15 |
| Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too". |
|
6 |
| Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins. |
|
9 |
| I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. |
|
12 |
| Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. |
|
9 |
| He who laughs last thinks slowest. |
|
6 |
| What happens when you get scared half to death twice? |
|
6 |
| What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works. |
|
3 |
| What do you call a fish with no eyes? --
A fsh |
|
14 |
| What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' |
|
7 |
| I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it. |
|
7 |
| I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen. |
|
8 |
| Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime? |
|
8 |
| What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. |
|
4 |
| If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. |
|
5 |
| I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper. |
|
5 |
| I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. |
|
4 |
| I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work. |
|
2 |
| Can fat people go skinny dipping? |
|
2 |
| Want to look thinner? Hang out with fat people. |
|
1 |
| What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name. |
|
3 |
| Why did the cookie go to the hospital? -- Because he felt crummy! |
|
1 |
| Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken! |
|
13 |
| Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones. |
|
9 |
| How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? --
Shine a light into her ear. |
|
7 |
| The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. |
|
7 |
| Make crime pay, become a lawyer. |
|
6 |
| Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head. |
|
5 |
| Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look?
A: Duh! |
|
5 |
| Q:Do you talk to your wife after sex?
A:Depends, if I can find the phone! |
|
14 |
| Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it. |
|
7 |
| I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing! |
|
13 |
| Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy. |
|
3 |
| What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? “Supplies!” |
|
3 |
| Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck. |
|
3 |
| The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet. |
|
3 |
| How does a man show that he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. |
|
3 |
| Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. |
|
3 |
| What make a forum? -- A two-um plus a two-um |
|
3 |
| I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her. |
|
8 |
| What if there were no hypothetical situations? |
|
5 |
| What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? $100 bill |
|
2 |
| Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too. |
|
3 |
| Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again. |
|
7 |
| Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath |
|
8 |
| I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery. |
|
4 |
| Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before? |
|
10 |
| Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years! |
|
5 |
| I have glamour shots of my balls. |
|
27 |
| A blonde walked into a bar --
OUCHH!!! |
|
8 |
| What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night?
Paddy O' Furniture |
|
4 |
| What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night. |
|
5 |
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. |
|
2 |
| Nostalgia ain't what it used to be. |
|
4 |
| The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key! |
|
8 |
| What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. |
|
2 |
| The Irish way - Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave. |
|
1 |
| What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor. |
|
2 |
| You can't kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her sooner than she thought you would. |
|
2 |
| What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion |
|
1 |
| I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them. |
|
2 |
| Only is American will you see "poor" fat people. |
|
3 |
| What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares! |
|
2 |
| Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills! |
|
2 |
| A magician was driving down the road -- then he turned into a drive way. |
|
5 |
| Is this insecticide good for beetles. - No, it’ll kill them! |
|
4 |
| What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. |
|
4 |
| Stop worrying about your job, you're not paid enough to worry. |
|
3 |
| Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff |
|
10 |
| Why are pirates so mean? They just arrrr! |
|
1 |
| Irish saying - There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men. |
|
5 |
| Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. |
|
|
| Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip. |
|
|
| Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? -- He had no body to go with him! |
|
|
| What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? -- You look a little pail! |
|
|
| What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him! |
|
|
| Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? -- Because she just had her hair done! |
|
|
| Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning? -- It swells during the night! |
|
|
| What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work! |
|
|
| What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? -- Shoe! |
|
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