Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.
Top Funny Short Jokes
I heard you like bad boys? Well I'm bad, at everything.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google office and ask them shit in person.
Boy: Mommy, can I have a dog for Christmas? Mommy: No you'll have turkey like everyone else.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home.
I'm not anti-social... I'm just not user friendly.
My resume is just a list of things I hope I never get asked to do.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a knife. Get in the car.
You Sexy, You Fine. I Really Wanna Make You Mine.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? -- Because they can't C#
Distance runners do it longer.
Are you David Beckham? Because I'd bend for you.
What was the librarians favorite Christmas song? Silent Night
I was looking for treasure and I think I found some.
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
I really like your carboys.
What do you call two gay Irish men? -- Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
I've just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.
Oh, you're straight? So is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet.
I'd like to grease you up like a pig and chase you round the barnyard.
I wanna rope you, but I don't want to give you rope burn.
Girl you must be blue, because you're the hottest star around right now.
Do you know anything about fornication? Would you like to know more?
Ladies if you saw how good I take care of my yards, just imagine how I'd take care of your heart.
You're a fine piece of acreage.
Are you in the Air Force? Cause your hotter than the engine of an F-22A Raptor.
I know you pregnant but when you drop that one off, I'd love to put another one in u.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket? Cause I'm diggin that ass!
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? -- She fits into your wife's clothes
Are we head-to-wind because I think I luff you.
Your existence is proof that natural selection has failed miserably, allowing the weakest and most repugnant specimens to survive.
Wanna come over and see my vinyl collection?
Do you believe in love at first sip or should I take another?
Would you mind reaching into your heart and getting me a piece of ice?
I love a man with a raised bed.
You look like you could use some help rubbing in that tanning oil.
Are you ready to board?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
You remind me of a Twinkie. Every time I bite into you, you cream in my mouth.
Dancing without you would be like a broken pencil, pointless.
This food's going to taste great! Don't worry, you will too.
What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.
Can I call you my Na-boo?
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor.
Are you feline the connection between us?
Are you the deep end? Because I'm ready to dive right in.
I must be from Alderaan, because you just blew up my world.
Is your name Justin? Because I want to be Just In you.
Can we still share a netflix account?
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
That bathing suit would look a lot better on the floor next to my bed.
Are you Barça? Cause you always have possession of my heart.
Nice ass... what time does it open?
Hey girl, is your name 400 IM? 'Cause you took my breath away.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
I don't usually like being shocked, but when I saw you I was almost knocked off my feet!
Ignore the ray bans. There is nothing shade-y about me.
Do I confuse your sexuality yet or should i walk by again?
I've got a bed in the back of my truck, seems there's too much room for one...
What type of potato chip is Santa's favorite? Crisp Pringles
I'm not gay. I prefer the term vaginavore.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Hey baby, Is your name clinical depression? Because you make me want to stay in bed all day trapped beneath your weight.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
How to you wake Lady Gaga? Poke 'er face.
Are you Broca's Aphasia? Because you leave me speechless...
On scale of one to 10, you're a poutine.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay
I have 8 inches of plastic for you.
Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.
Hi, my name is Doug. That's "god" spelled backwards with a little bit of U wrapped up in it
I wouldn't mind if your beaver built a dam in my river.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you.
Hey babe are you a swimmer? Cause you've been swimming through my mind all day.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
Excuse me... Do these shorts make me look fast?
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Are you a sugar maple? Because I'd totally tap you.
What is green, white, and red all over? A sunburned elf
Do you like a player who uses the backboard, or takes it straight to the hole?
The Hong Kong businessman left a huge estate when he died. It was the great will of China.
Why do reindeer tell such good stories? Because they all have tails
What did the cow say on Christmas morning? Mooooey Christmas
When I want your remarks, I'll rattle your cage.
I love a good South of the border crossing.
If I said you had a pale body would you hold it against me?
What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
People run screaming from you, not because you're a monster, but because your ugliness is truly terrifying.
Would you be so kind as to lend me your heart, or shall I cut it out myself?
I've got a little something for you to gobble on.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.
Call the cops... See who comes first.
You know, bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.
What do you give a train conductor for Christmas? Platform shoes
If you need to practice that stage kiss, im always here for you.
