Every workplace generates the same complaints — meetings that should have been emails, management, printers, the coffee — and every one of them has been turned into a joke here. This is our collection of work jokes, ranked by reader votes. They suit the office group chat, a slow afternoon, or a colleague who needs cheering up before a Monday. Most are clean enough to say in an open-plan office. A few are firmly for the pub afterwards, and the votes suggest those are the popular ones.
Top Work Jokes
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.
I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!
We never knew he was a drunk until he showed up to work sober.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.
How long have I been working for the company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
If you don't work you don't have money to live, if you work, there's no time to live.
If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.
A healthy nap not only makes you feel better, it also shortens the workday.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Friday is my second favorite F word.
People who do the world's real work don't wear ties.
A well-educated friend of mine with three advanced degrees can say "I'm unemployed" in six languages.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
It's better to do business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. So now you know why they call this a workstation.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
If you think your boss is stupid just remember that you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
If you worked hard and didn't get anything in return, it means someone else got it.
Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
When a man tells you he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
Procrastination on your part does not create an emergency on my part.
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid, is it?
Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.
You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
My resume is just a list of things I hope I never get asked to do.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.
If work is so great, why do they have to pay you to do it?
An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
Drinking after work is great, but if you want to enjoy work, drink before work.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English!
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
I'm a recovering workaholic.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I do not like work even when someone else does it.
I can't be fired. Slaves are sold!
If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I don't work weekends, or any other day that ends in Y.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday, eight hours.
Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert. He stares at YOUR shoes while he talks to you.
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
Moaning about other people not working really makes the day fly by.
He works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
A tidy desk is the sign of a sick mind.
A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.
Run your idea up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it.
