Dad jokes so embarrassingly bad they're actually funny. Don't get caught in public with these terrible, punny jokes. We've got some classic, clean dad jokes sure to make you laugh, or roll your eyes.
The Best Dad Jokes
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?A waist of time.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don't think it's feline well.
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
I knew I shouldn't have ate that seafood. Because now I'm feeling a little... Eel
What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers
Hold on, I have something in my shoe I'm pretty sure it's a foot
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies sorry mate we only do plain
What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
Dad I'm hungry ... Hi hungry I'm dad
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You're a sandwich!'
My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs! The doctor replied, I know you can't I've cut off your arms!
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? catch up!
Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places Doctor Well don't go to those places.
Bicycles can't stand on their own, they're two tired.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, 'Any condiments?' My dad responded, 'Compliments? You look very nice today!'
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
Slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
When phone ringing Dad says 'If it's for me don't answer it.
I got so angry the other day when I couldn't find my stress ball.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says Give me some chap-stick... and put it on my bill
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks.
What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Just watched a documentary about beavers... It was the best damn program I've ever seen.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue – can't put it down.
I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free.
I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.
I'm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bay-gulls!
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, 'The good news is..it'll feel better when it quits hurting.'
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
If I had a dime for every book I've ever read, I'd say: Wow, that's coincidental.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
