Christmas jokes are supposed to be terrible — that is the tradition, and the cracker industry depends on it. This is our full collection, ranked by reader votes, covering Santa, reindeer, snowmen, elves and presents. They are built for the dinner table, the office party and any moment in December where a groan will do the job of a laugh. Almost all are clean enough for children. If you need one joke to get through Christmas dinner, start at the top of the list.
The Best Funny Christmas Jokes
For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes!
Why is it always cold at Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrr
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving? In the dictionary
What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish!
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap
Boy: Mommy, can I have a dog for Christmas? Mommy: No you'll have turkey like everyone else.
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party? It was a scream
What was the librarians favorite Christmas song? Silent Night
Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
Why do reindeer tell such good stories? Because they all have tails
What is green, white, and red all over? A sunburned elf
What type of potato chip is Santa's favorite? Crisp Pringles
What did the cow say on Christmas morning? Mooooey Christmas
What is the #1 Christmas present? A broken drum – you can't beat it
What do you give a train conductor for Christmas? Platform shoes
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
What was the elf allergic to? Sh-ELF-ish
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple
How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
What never eats at Christmas dinner? The turkey – it's stuffed
What color Christmas candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle? Neither – Candles always burn shorter.
What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.
What do you call Santa if he goes down a lit chimney? Crisp Cringle
What can you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitus
What do sheep say to each other at Christmas? Merry Christmas to ewe
Who says oh, oh, oh? Santa Claus walking backwards
What Christmas carol do they sing in the dessert? Camel ye fathful
Who delievers Christmas presents to cats? Santa Claws
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad!
What's impossible to overtake at Christmas? The three wide men!
How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack? Only one, after that it's not empty any more!
What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents? Silent Night!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
Which reindeer have the shortest legs? The smallest ones
Where do snowmen go to dance? A snow ball
What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor? Ribbon Hood!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?
What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar? He got 12 months
What is the wettest animal at the North Pole? The rain-deer
What song do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells.
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep and crisp and even!
What did the cow say to the reindeer? Moo
What song did the guests sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party? Freeze a jolly fellow
What is Santa's favorite Olympic event? North Pole-vault
What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh? Santa caught in a revolving door
Why does Santa do in his garden? He hoe hoe hoes
What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer!
What do zombies put on their Christmas turkey? Grave-y
What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn't move? Santa Pause
What did the reindeer sing to Santa on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I'll never part with it
When should you feed reindeer milk to a baby? When it's a baby reindeer
What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas? A list of everything you want!
A definition of Christmas: The time when everyone gets "Santa"-mental.
What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter "Y"!
What do angry mice send to each other in December? Cross mouse cards!
What is the best key to get at Christmas? A turkey!
The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Where do mistletoe go to become famous? Holly wood!
What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light? You light me up!
How do Chihuahua's say Merry Christmas? Fleas Navidog!
What will fall at the door first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalog?
How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" - So I bought her nothing.
What is Santa's dog named? Santa Paws
What's red, white and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane!
How do you make a slow reindeer fast? You don't feed it
What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker? My POP is bigger than yours!
Which Christmas carol do parents like the most? Silent Night
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? RUDE-olph
What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with a detective? Santa Clues
If a reindeer lost his tail, where would it go for a new one? A retail shop
Why is a burning Christmas candle like being thirsty? Because a little water ends both of them
Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals? No, I wouldn't know how to feed them.
What is the most romantic part of your body during Christmas? Mistle-toe
Why couldn't the Christmas tree stand up? Because a Christmas tree doesn't have legs
What's the best thing to put into Christmas dinner? Your teeth!
What did the lion at the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy claws
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping!
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the game console box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
What do wild animals sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
Whats will you be at Christmas? Yule be happy
What do you call it when Cris Kringle claps his hands? Santapplause
What do you call it when Santa takes a break from delivering presents? Santa pause
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? They both drop needles
What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt? Snow
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas party? It was a moth ball
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii? O Tanning Palms!
What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime? Season's Bleatings!
Where do you find reindeer? Depends where you left them
Noah: I thought we had two turkeys when we left? Noah's Wife: Well, it is Christmas…
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
