Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.
Top Funny Short Jokes
I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
Oh you're a Libra? That's so weird! So were my other three vic... Dates!
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?
I don't play soccer but you're my goal.
It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you.
I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it!
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
You smell… We should go take a shower together.
If I was an octopus, all my 3 hearts would beat for you.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Why are horses always so fit? Because they're on a stable diet.
Where do you get virgin wool? -- Ugly sheep.
Roses are red violets are blue I didn't know what perfect was until I met you
Are you the Easter bunny? 'Cause you've been hoppin' around my mind all day.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? --
A fsh
The worker at Cape Canaveral wanted to make a sandwich, so he went to the deli to buy some launchin' meat.
Your mother hasn't smiled since the car accident. By that I mean the moment you were conceived in the back seat.
Roses are red,violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you.
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
You're like an exposed electrical wire. Hot and dangerous.
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
Why are pirates so mean? They just arrrr!
Did you hear what happened to the blonde hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
Roses are red, violets are blue, lava is hot and so are you.
When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off the cliff!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.
Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
We never knew he was a drunk until he showed up to work sober.
Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
Is your name Lionel? Because you made my pants Messi.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Q. What's a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A. Beer in each hand!
Tomorrow there'll only be 7 planets left cuz tonight...I'm destroying Uranus.
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? -- Because he felt crummy!
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Where do horses go shopping? Old-neighvy
Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
The waves won't be the only thing you'll be riding today.
How long have I been working for the company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Whip it out and show me what you got, so I can save the disappointment from later.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.
For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
Are you British? Because you've colonized my heart.
Is your name Ariel? Cause we Mermaid for each other!
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? Supplies!
I'm going to make like Toy Story and get Buzzed so I can play with your Woody.
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't got the joke yet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, there is no better place than to be here with you.
I'm not talking about books when I tell you I'll take you across the border.
Jamaican me think about things I have never thought about and having you on my bed is one.
Do you know why you are supposed to bury a politician 100 feet down? Because deep down they are really good people.
Are you a meal at McDonalds? If you were you would be a McHottie.
I'd travel 40 years in the wilderness to find you.
If you are my basketball , I'll never pass because I want to keep u all to myself.
Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they'll look forward to the trip.
If you don't work you don't have money to live, if you work, there's no time to live.
Hey girl are you mexican, 'cause you illegally came into my mind.
Can I curl up in your arms and let the beat of your heart soothe me to sleep? Because that sounds absolutely lovely.
I'm looking for treasure, mind if I explore your chest?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? -- The taste!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works.
If it's meant to be it's meant to be, but just to be clear, it isn't.
Are you related to David Beckham? Because you got those curves!
What kind of horses go out after dusk? -- Nightmares!
What did the big bucket say to the little bucket? -- You look a little pail!
Roses are red, I have a crush, whenever I'm around you, all I do is blush
A healthy nap not only makes you feel better, it also shortens the workday.
Even the chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Lets play war, I'll lay down, and you blow the hell outta me.
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support it for a lifetime..
Excuse me, but do you like whales? Because I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
I like my men like I like my coffee....I don't like coffee.
If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.
Only in American will you see "poor" fat people.
Your face is so ugly, it could make a blind man gag on his own vomit.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
Is your name Oliver? Cause in a minute you're gonna be Oliver this dick.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? --
Shine a light into her ear.
