Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.
Top Funny Short Jokes
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
If you worked hard and didn't get anything in return, it means someone else got it.
How'd you like to be in my will?
Are you a noose? Cause I'd love to hang out with you some time!
Hey, look what the cat dragged in
You look much more attractive in person than you do through my telescope.
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? -- Because she just had her hair done!
Hey baby, let's lay and learn what each other's bodies are for.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
Well, here I am. So what are your other two wishes?
Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
You are the greatest sparkling wine in this world that I want to taste for the rest of my life.
Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.
Oh my god, do we have the same bra on? Let's look and see!
You're like a cut on my wrist... people like you hurt me, but I keep getting more.
Are you my appendix? I have a gut feeling I should take you out.
I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You're just my cup of tea!
You're such a pathetic excuse for a human being that even bacteria would turn their noses up at the thought of infecting you.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
You be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, we can have it your way, I'll treat you right!
There was a girl eyeing me over there, but I'm not interested because cheese not you.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap
When a man tells you he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.
Is that a Thetan in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Are you a Subaru? Cuz you Impreza me alot!
Unlike Hamlet's entire family, my love for you will never die.
You can be the twin turbos and I can be your v8 and together we can make 545hp.
I see you've got some tequila there, does that mean you're willing to give me a shot?
You're the girl of my nightmares.
Are you a burger cuz you can be the meat between my buns
Are you shelf 301C? Because I've been searching everywhere for you.
If you were a basketball, would you let me lay you up?
Would you like to be the Radha to my Krishna?
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Hey baby, wanna boldly go where no man has been before?
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Date a runner because everyone else is a player.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together at an MGMT show.
What make a forum? -- A two-um plus a two-um
Because when push comes to shove, I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love.
You can come over a work in process but I'll make sure you leave a finished good.
You wanna score or just knock around my balls?
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid, is it?
Who needs a pick up line when you've go a pick up truck.
Procrastination on your part does not create an emergency on my part.
Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
Excuse me, could you please dial down your hotness, it's causing global warming
Smoking is hazardous to your health... and baby, you're killing me!
Do you live in a cornfield? Because I'm stalking you.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it
Seeing you is like getting 11 McNuggets in my 10 piece meal.
I can help you. I have fingers.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party? It was a scream
Are you the end of practice? Because you're always on my mind.
Babe trust me, the only time I'd play games with you is on the court.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
I bet you drink milk with a fork.
I may not be your cup of tea, but I'm a great shot of tequila.
Boy: Mommy, can I have a dog for Christmas? Mommy: No you'll have turkey like everyone else.
I can't think straight around you.
I can score from multiple positions.
Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
You're so repulsive, it's a wonder flies don't swarm around you like you're a decomposing corpse.
The only thing straight about me is my teeth.
Don't save me just yet. Let me go down a few times.
You are like my snorkel, because you're wrapped around my mind.
The new drive-thru restaurant for golfers insisted on putting greens in all their courses.
You like Star Wars? Let's go back to my place and violate the Jedi Code.
You're so dumb, you think a lawsuit is something you wear to court.
Wi-Fi went down during family dinner tonight. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was.
Are you the black line? Because I'm lost without you.
A tractor? That's what I'm trying to do!
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
What does a baby computer call it's father? Data.
ICU in my dreams.
I heard you like bad boys? Well I'm bad, at everything.
You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
Smartphones are the new pacifiers
What was Forrest Gump's email password? -- 1forrest1
Database Admins walked into a NoSQL bar. A little later, they walked out because they couldn't find a table.
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google office and ask them shit in person.
I've got quick hands, a fast horse, and strong arms that can hold you tight all night long.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home.
What's the difference between a 16'' pizza and a musician? -- A 16" pizza can feed a family of four.
I will curry on loving you, for as long as life will aloo me.
You make me want to spend the rest of my meaningless life silently despairing over the thought that you'll find a better man than I and take the kids when you leave.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
If I had a nickel for every day I've been wanting to be with a girl like you, I still wouldn't be able to pay off my father's crippling gambling debts that tore apart my family.
