Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
Are you a surfboard? Because I want to ride you.
Once you've had Alberta beef, you'll never go back.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
Are you a drain strainer? Because you've kept all the bad stuff out of my life.
You're like a plumbing apprenticeship—worth all the effort.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
You bleach your hair? Im the same way! I bleach the bloodstains out of my carpet!
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies sorry mate we only do plain
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
Hold on, I have something in my shoe I'm pretty sure it's a foot
What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
My striped stockings would look great on your bedroom floor.
Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
You're pawfect.
Let me roll up your rim.
Looking at you takes my breath away like standing at the top of Mount Columbia.
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
Nice beaver you got there, mind if I pet it?
Your mother hasn't smiled since the car accident. By that I mean the moment you were conceived in the back seat.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
What is green, white, and red all over? A sunburned elf
Your body is in screaming affluence!
What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor? Ribbon Hood!
What do you call a stuffed animal? You after thanksgiving.
When does your brother bring his new girlfriend to dinner? Skanksgiving.
I want to be like the Spirit, to be with thee whithersoever thou goest.
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Since chocolate is toxic to me, how 'bout a little sugar?
If you are my basketball , I'll never pass because I want to keep u all to myself.
I'm new in town, where's the best place to taste some really good local wine?
Are you my anti-depression pills? Because I can't smile without you.
What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Cause obviously you landed on your face
I'm looking for treasure, mind if I explore your chest?
It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you.
Who took the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes?
Chica, you're like a Pinata, cause I'd definitely hit that!
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week.
You're so ugly, the only dates you get are on a calendar.
Can you help me with my GPS? I need directions to find my way into your heart.
Are you the Easter bunny? 'Cause you've been hoppin' around my mind all day.
Are you British? Because you've colonized my heart.
You're so fat you need cheat codes to play Wii Fit
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Are you Neymar? Cause I'm trippin' and fallin' for you.
Can I follow you? Cause my mom told me to follow my dreams
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
You have two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Would you spot me, cause I sure spotted you.
Oh my God, look at you. Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
Ladies if you saw how good I take care of my yards, just imagine how I'd take care of your heart.
Do you know anything about fornication? Would you like to know more?
What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
I like my men like I like my coffee....I don't like coffee.
Oh you're a Libra? That's so weird! So were my other three vic... Dates!
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
You should carry a plant wherever you go to replace the oxygen you waste.
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
You're as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin!
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Your car's audio system sounds like a cacophony of dying cats, assaulting the ears of anyone unfortunate enough to listen.
How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad!
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn't keep me from you!
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
If there was a contest for the ugliest person in the world, you'd win by a landslide.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
The new drive-thru restaurant for golfers insisted on putting greens in all their courses.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
The worker at Cape Canaveral wanted to make a sandwich, so he went to the deli to buy some launchin' meat.
Well I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but that would be an improvement!
You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.
I heard you're good in algebra, can you replace my X without asking Y
You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.
Girl you've got mad handles, you've been crossing through my mind all day.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
You're so ugly, when you got robbed, the robbers made you wear their masks.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable -- like a coma.
Are you ready to board?
I've got a bed in the back of my truck, seems there's too much room for one...
Are you Broca's Aphasia? Because you leave me speechless...
I'd slap you, but shit stains.
Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you.
How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
Your eyes are as blue as the sea I dumped my ex's body in.
I may not be your cup of tea, but I'm a great shot of tequila.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
The last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
You be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, we can have it your way, I'll treat you right!
