Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
You be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, we can have it your way, I'll treat you right!
You're not funny, but your life, now that's a joke.
I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get change.
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
If I were to slap you, it would be considered animal abuse!
Why don't you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.
You're so fat, you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people you are backing up.
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?
Just wait till you can't fit your hand in the Pringles tubes, then where will you get your daily nutrition from?
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
Don't feel sad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
Do you know how long it takes for your mother to take a crap? Nine months.
He knew his lot in life was to create the world's greatest mosquito repellant. He had a deet with destiny.
I practice debating in the mirror but I always come across as one-sided and two-faced.
Why do reindeer tell such good stories? Because they all have tails
You must be a time traveler from ancient Egypt, because you're definitely a pyramid with a food addiction.
They're so intellectually challenged, they make a box of frozen waffles look like a think tank.
People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.
You're useless as tits on a snowman, because even Frosty had a carrot nose that served a purpose.
If I am afraid of losing my fat tissue. My psychiatrist told me I have an adipose complex.
If intervening was an olympic sport, he'd win the gold meddle.
Is it hot in here or is it just the fire I've lit in your hair?
Are you from Tennessee? Because that's the only state I'm not wanted in.
What do zombies put on their Christmas turkey? Grave-y
What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer!
Why does Santa do in his garden? He hoe hoe hoes
You must be a shut-off valve, because you've stopped me in my tracks.
What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh? Santa caught in a revolving door
What is Santa's favorite Olympic event? North Pole-vault
What song did the guests sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party? Freeze a jolly fellow
What did the cow say to the reindeer? Moo
What is the wettest animal at the North Pole? The rain-deer
Girl, are you Easter because you got me ready to rise again?
Are you a surgical light? Because you brighten up everything around you.
What song do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells.
Want to get some air? Oh wait, I ate your lungs.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement!
I'm throwing a house party... and the only person invited is you
Are you a corn field, because I'm stalking you.
I see you've got some tequila there, does that mean you're willing to give me a shot?
Are you Mexican cause you're my Juan and only.
I want to give you my heart. Literally, because it would kill me.
Wanna smash? Me over the head with this brick.
Hay girl, are you crippling depression? Because I'm going to be in bed curled up with you all day!
Come on, don't make me beg!
What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day? - Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
Hey girl are you the sun? Because you're brighter than my future.
Hey baby, wanna practice for your second husband?
Is your father a lumberjack? I'm great with carpentry and haven't had work in a while.
Hey babe, I got this flaming sword from an angel and now I want to pass it in to you.
Roses are red, your underwear is lace, take them off and sit on my face.
I could put some motion in your ocean.
Hey wanna play softball, we can take turns pitching and catching.
I never knew hellish demons flew so close to the ground.
Your car's paint job is a visual abomination, a slap in the face to anyone with even a shred of taste.
The tires on your car are as bald as a newborn baby's head, providing about as much grip as a banana peel.
Your car's audio system sounds like a cacophony of tortured souls, assaulting the ears of all who dare to listen.
Is that a Thetan in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Your car's acceleration is slower than the growth of mold on stale bread, a pathetic display of feebleness.
Is your name chocolate, bc you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
You raise my oxytocin levels.
Are you a Subaru? Cuz you Impreza me alot!
You can be the twin turbos and I can be your v8 and together we can make 545hp.
You know, musicians have great rhythm.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism? Cause you're making me breathless..
You're the Obi-wan for me.
I'll never forget the first time we met, although I'll keep trying.
You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
Roses are red,violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you.
If your brain was made of chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Come into the kitchen and I'll show you how I put the counter in counterculture.
You look like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know the fish isn't the only catch here.
So you've changed your mind, does this one work any better?
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; you only gargled.
Is Your Dad A Preacher? Cause Girl You're A Blessing
You know what's beautiful? Read the first word.
Who needs a pick up line when you've go a pick up truck.
Of course I'll give you a hand, right across the mouth.
Seeing you is like getting 11 McNuggets in my 10 piece meal.
Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonalds.
You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
I'm not anti-social... I'm just not user friendly.
I'm not talking about books when I tell you I'll take you across the border.
What is the #1 Christmas present? A broken drum – you can't beat it
What did the cow say on Christmas morning? Mooooey Christmas
Girl you must be blue, because you're the hottest star around right now.
It's kinda sad watching you attempt to fit your entire vocabulary into a sentence.
Tomorrow there'll only be 7 planets left cuz tonight...I'm destroying Uranus.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
You have enough fat to make another human.
You're so fat, you could sell shade.
Are you my appendix? I have a gut feeling I should take you out.
