Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 2
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
A clumsy physician who pretends to care is a hypocritical oaf.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
When the shoe store owner discovered that someone had broken into his store, the police pumped him for information.
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
All births are an Emergency.
What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? They get their masters.
What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Me'a skeptic? I trust you have proof
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A good acupuncture is a jab well done.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!!
To learn about paranoids, follow them around.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Tried to play my shoehorn - all I got was footnotes
When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
Molecules boiling points vary to some degree.
Gardeners always know the ground rules.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy
I ordered whole wheat toast but it tasted funny. I think something was awry.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
The retired track official has started forgetting things. He has old timer's disease.
There was a hiring freeze at the ice-skating rink.
What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
The most popular operation for orthopaedic surgeons is upper-leg surgery: very hip.
My first job was peddling designer clothing. I was a Dior to Dior salesman.
I once worked at a factory that made boat paddles. The starting pay was ten dollars an oar.
If a Monk throws a hissy fit, is it a temple tantrum?
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.
A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, but I will de-fib you later.
I met the woman of my dreams at the base of Mount Vesuvius. She is the lava my life.
The conversation between the brain surgeon and the anaesthesiologist was mind numbing.
Carrot is auto rust.
The environmentalist rode his bike 20 miles in the morning and 20 more in the evening. He loved recycling.
The luminescent Pelican triggered an air defense alert of glow bill proportions.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault
Does "Quasimodo" ring a bell? I had a hunch it would
Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.
When you lose something, why do you always find it in the last place you look? Because you stop looking as soon as you find it.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are inseine.
Even though the chef's girlfriend was grate in many ways. She had a temper that boiled easily, was half-baked and extremely kneady.
Claribell was so allergic to natural fibres that he had to make his clown suit entirely out of polyjester.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The drug dealer added sugar to his marijuana to sweeten the pot.
Comedians, the biggest joke going.
The mass murderer was always grumpy. He was a surly ol' killer.
Prosecution of the faulty limpet mine manufacturer began but the charges just wouldn't stick.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs
I once got into so much debt that I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.
A crow is a four-letter bird.
Tire stores are highway rubbery.
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
It was so hot the other day that even the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.
My neighbor's sprinkler is a constant irrigation to me.
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
At his trial, the author needed a character witness.
Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.
He was teed off with his bad start, driving the ball almost beyond the green, but he was able to putt it behind him.
Valentine's Day is pure cupidity.
The ghost never took sides during arguments. He was super neutral.
The land where movies are made is called reel estate.
