Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 4
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.
He won the twister contest hands-down.
Michelangelo's David is superior to postmodern sculpture - it's an artifact.
A TV repairman's job is to get set to work.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Eugene O'Neil once wrote a play about a visit from an optometrist. He called it, 'The Eyes Man Cometh.'
A funeral ship is a sea hearse.
When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees.
I was in the linen trade, but gave it up. Too much toile.
Eve showed up one morning wearing flowers instead of a fig leaf. She was the first woman to wear bloomers.
A surgeon's comments are incisive remarks.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
During my trip to Italy, I didn't do much. I just vegged out. When in Rome, do as the Romaines.
The pod vegetables I bought for the gumbo I was making were so-so. They were medi-okra.
I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me.
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
The seed company turfed out my idea for ready made lawn.
It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!
The best way to make a baseball bat is to carve it by hand. Using a machine is just lathe-y.
When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.
A red blood count is a communist vampire.
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
Spoilsport is the harbor where booty is shipped in.
'Because' is a word to the whys.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.
When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.
My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.
That gas pump must be sick. It doesn't fill well.
My dog was mustard-colored. That made him a Gulden Retriever.
November: We start the month out stuffing ballots to elect some turkey, we end the month stuffing a turkey to increase our ballast.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
A prefix is what a man does just before his wife has a word with a tradesperson.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
A golf course is a foreground.
Did you hear about the owl that fell for twin comedians and had two wits to woo?
The golfer guessed that his ball landed 20 feet off the fairway. Of course, that was just a rough estimate.
I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year - he was really easy to get a lawn with.
The athlete claimed he long jumped over 25 feet. Actually his best jump only measured 23 feet. This was a clear case of leap fraud.
A funny criminal is a silicon.
I was too busy drinking to notice that all my cigarettes had gone ashtray.
We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant.
Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.
Mooning is lunacy.
I'm not happy with this Origami clothing. It always looks creased no matter how carefully I fold it.
My wife uses a kitchen implement to shred garlic and parmesan cheese, which I hate. It really is the grater of two evils.
I bought a computer from The Nero Company. It comes with a CD/Rome burner.
A reciprocating saw is a saw that gets borrowed and returned among neighbors.
Children who fail their coloring exams always need a shoulder to crayon.
The patient decided against an organ transplant. Instead, he changed his mind.
I control the weeds in my lawn with the help of my friend, Herby Side.
I got a job with a company that manufactures trampolines. Now I'll have something to fall back on.
I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
Archimedes set out to invent a water pump and screwed it up.
My neighbor just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me.
Seesaw is how you find a woodcutter.
An instructor at an ice cream parlor is a sundae school teacher.
The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.
Ralph was kicked off the skydiving team because he couldn't chute straight.
An umbilical cord is a navel vessel.
New legislation forbids anyone but Santa's family dressing up as him, and you must be named in the related clauses.
I don't like tops of stairs. They always bring me down.
When the gastroenterologist retired, he threw in the bowel.
A carpenter must have been here. I saw dust.
I told the knight that I could knock him out of his saddle. Of course, I was speaking in joust.
The bank robber looked so peaceful and innocent lying there under his big fluffy blanket. Just goes to show you, you can't judge a crook by his cover.
Semaphore was flagged away as a form of communication decades ago.
The editor really took a lot out of my manuscript. He cut a great dele.
My wife's dad spends a lot of time in the bathroom. He is my Father in Loo.
Funniness and cleverness have always been two notable factors for rating puns, but the third has groan in significance.
The actor was never quite right after he retired. He had Post Dramatic Stress Disorder.
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
The electrician got his supplies at the outlet store.
The dictator was really upset about the neckwear he had received as a gift. What a tie rant.
My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.
The new jail tunnel was a runaway success.
It took the replay analyst a long time to cut his grass. He did it in slo-mow.
I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.
I saw this bloke walking into court and he was carrying a large box, 10 minutes later he came out, it was a briefcase.
'Come see my fishpond', she said coyly.
A weeknight is a tiny nobleman.
On my chicken farm, I own the birds scratching around on the ground in the barn, but I am paying off the ones sitting on the roosts - they are on higher perches.
The priest was very stern during the service last Sunday. After church I was distressed. I then realized that we had experienced critical mass.
What is a thesaurus' favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
A dermatologist is a flesh man.
I really would put my wife on a pedestal if she wasn't so afraid of heights.
Mischievous lambs post their videos on Ewe Tube.
Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough.
The thought of having no alternative to soap never washed with the inventor of shower gel.
Shredded Wheat - a breakfast cereal that used to play guitar solos.
When a woman returns new clothing, that's post traumatic dress syndrome.
John Deere has just released its most powerful tractor yet. It is the torque of the town.
My sled dog never barks. He is a male mute.
My wife kept insisting I do macrame. Finally I shouted, 'Knot again!'
Mummies are bound to be uptight.
The trapeze artist had to buy his own safety equipment. Every Friday he drew his net wages.
Any type of criticism would aggregate the builder including constructive criticism.
Bridge tolls have increased significantly over a 5 year span.
