GotLines - Pick Up Lines, Jokes and Insults

Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 4

Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.

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The Best Puns

I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me.
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!
When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
Spoilsport is the harbor where booty is shipped in.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.
When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.
My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.
The seed company turfed out my idea for ready made lawn.
That gas pump must be sick. It doesn't fill well.
My dog was mustard-colored. That made him a Gulden Retriever.
A golf course is a foreground.
The best way to make a baseball bat is to carve it by hand. Using a machine is just lathe-y.
A red blood count is a communist vampire.
Did you hear about the owl that fell for twin comedians and had two wits to woo?
The golfer guessed that his ball landed 20 feet off the fairway. Of course, that was just a rough estimate.
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
Semaphore was flagged away as a form of communication decades ago.
The editor really took a lot out of my manuscript. He cut a great dele.
My wife's dad spends a lot of time in the bathroom. He is my Father in Loo.
Funniness and cleverness have always been two notable factors for rating puns, but the third has groan in significance.
I told the knight that I could knock him out of his saddle. Of course, I was speaking in joust.
New legislation forbids anyone but Santa's family dressing up as him, and you must be named in the related clauses.
A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.
The new jail tunnel was a runaway success.
It took the replay analyst a long time to cut his grass. He did it in slo-mow.
A weeknight is a tiny nobleman.
Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough.
I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
The patient decided against an organ transplant. Instead, he changed his mind.
I bought a computer from The Nero Company. It comes with a CD/Rome burner.
I had trouble getting to the University in New Orleans. I had to drive down a two lane road.
I control the weeds in my lawn with the help of my friend, Herby Side.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Cloning is a nil conceived idea.
I went to Cairo, but I don't remember if I saw the river or not. I wonder if I am senile.
When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees.
A Hall of Fame recently opened to honor outstanding female soldiers. It was a WAC's Museum.
Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.
Outsourcing my favourite ketchup can not have been easy.
A trick-or-treat route is a fright path.
Bridge tolls have increased significantly over a 5 year span.
When the ornithologist gave his neighbor the bird he went into flight mode.
In an effort to smooth things over and resolve their differences one gladiator said to the other, 'Let's bury the hatchet and go clubbing'.
A taxidermist specializes in skin for cabs.
My foul language has become routine. It is par for the cuss.
I am always sad when I go to the dentist, so I put on music and listen through my blue tooth headphones.
Mummies are bound to be uptight.
Shakespeare spent so much time at the Globe Theater because he was bored of Avon.
Eugene O'Neil once wrote a play about a visit from an optometrist. He called it, 'The Eyes Man Cometh.'
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
There was an archeologist who made no bones about digging dirt up on people.
The trapeze artist had to buy his own safety equipment. Every Friday he drew his net wages.
The dermatologist and his wife enjoyed the backyard BBQ, while their children played a game of skin tag.
When a woman returns new clothing, that's post traumatic dress syndrome.
I really would put my wife on a pedestal if she wasn't so afraid of heights.
What is a thesaurus' favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
The bank robber looked so peaceful and innocent lying there under his big fluffy blanket. Just goes to show you, you can't judge a crook by his cover.
A carpenter must have been here. I saw dust.
A reciprocating saw is a saw that gets borrowed and returned among neighbors.
I applied for a position at the hair-replacement company because I heard there was growth potential.
When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.
The British cannibal enjoyed snacking on fish and chaps.
My wife uses a kitchen implement to shred garlic and parmesan cheese, which I hate. It really is the grater of two evils.
I got a job with a company that manufactures trampolines. Now I'll have something to fall back on.
Archimedes set out to invent a water pump and screwed it up.
My neighbor just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me.
Seesaw is how you find a woodcutter.
The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
Ralph was kicked off the skydiving team because he couldn't chute straight.
An umbilical cord is a navel vessel.
I don't like tops of stairs. They always bring me down.
When the gastroenterologist retired, he threw in the bowel.
The actor was never quite right after he retired. He had Post Dramatic Stress Disorder.
My wife kept insisting I do macrame. Finally I shouted, 'Knot again!'
I felt sick after I ate the scallopini. I didn't veal well at all.
Greeks can't stay out late because they have a Corfu.
Sick fish go to the sturgeon.
Quasimodo bought a Ford Focus. It became known as the hatchback of Notre Dame.
They replaced the baseball with an orange to add zest to the game.
The hypnotist went out of business because he ran out of suggestions.
The athlete claimed he long jumped over 25 feet. Actually his best jump only measured 23 feet. This was a clear case of leap fraud.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
November: We start the month out stuffing ballots to elect some turkey, we end the month stuffing a turkey to increase our ballast.
Sainthood is a gangster who truly repented.
If I had it to do all over again, I'm sure I would overdo it.
Optometrists live long because they dilate.
John Deere has just released its most powerful tractor yet. It is the torque of the town.
Any type of criticism would aggregate the builder including constructive criticism.
When the musician got in a car accident, his guitar was destroyed. The accident was a Fender bender.
What is a duck's favorite game to play? Billiards.
I took up teaching fencing as I wanted my students to get the point.
The workers at that inn are very unfriendly. They create a hostel environment.
Obituaries of those hanged in the old west used to be posted in the noose paper.
Mooning is lunacy.
We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant.

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I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me. I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up. My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.