Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 7
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
Just after thimbles were invented there was a shortage, so many people got stuck without one.
Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
The home for rich squirrels is The Nutcracker Suite.
After the first hamburger press was made and became very successful, the inventor got a patty on the back.
The animals at the zoo started rioting. A porcupine was brought in to quill the uprising.
I wanted to buy my wife some fancy soap, but she would not have a bar of it.
Police found a criminal shot to death with exit wounds but no entry wounds. It was an inside job.
He made a slow start in the sport of weightlifting but he picked it up eventually.
Did Gregor Mendel ever win the Nobel Peas Prize?
At the petting zoo I saw a sheep scratching itself. Turns out it had fleece.
Bring about is what a boxing promoter does.
I thought I packed a memory card for my camera, but I forgot it.
The 'Star Wars' character was nicknamed 'Coffee'. His real name was Java the Cup.
Sailing is like oil drilling because they're both crewed businesses.
I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.
The cannibal hitman preferred take out food.
You can raze a tree with a lumber jack.
I really regretted the inconsiderate comment I made. It was rued.
My father's father wanted to know if he could stay with the company in spite of the many changes. They ended up grandfathering him in.
Since I've taken the job in The Everglades I've been swamped!
I had tried passing myself off as my twin but I couldn't live with myself.
The man leaned on the printer cartridge because he wanted to tone up his abs.
When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
Mine safety is riddled with legal pitfalls.
After injuring my upper arm and wearing an ice pack, my wife accused me of giving her the cold shoulder.
Caesar thought it would be smart to walk through the forum one evening. Beware the ideas of March.
Buzz Lightyear was following a Japanese luxury car on the highway. When he pulled around to pass, he shouted, "To Infiniti and beyond."
In very large sponge colonies in the ocean, there's a soaker born every minute.
Rental agents offer quarters for dollars.
Careless stair dancers are heading for a heavy landing.
Cows make noise only when they're in the mood.
My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.
Using a prism allows me to see the sun in a different light.
When the cigarette lighter salesman tried to win back his old flame he found that he had met his match.
What kind of flooring do alligator hunters use? Reptiles!
My vacuum flask is hopeless and it's a top of the range model - that's the only place it will keep anything warm.
Eastern European gymnast electrocuted in Pole Volt.
My son's spelling test consisted of synonyms of the word incorrect. He was able to write every wrong.
During his lifetime, the composer Bach was a noted success.
That cattle farmer is upset. He is raising kine.
I used to work as a high school ceramics teacher, but I got too close to the kiln and I was fired.
Lamp factories have light workloads.
The Origami classes saw stationery costs increase twofold.
The calculus teacher tried to keep his students on task, but the class discussion kept going off on tangents.
When buying a lamp a shady deal usually takes place.
In veterinary school we studied the brain of the hippopotamus. At that time most students stayed on the main campus, while I stayed on the hippocampus.
The agreeable tennis umpire was generous to a fault.
Two fur traders once took a golfing trip together. They played a skins match.
If you need something done, call an electrician - they conduit.
If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
I have a difficult time discerning fine jewelry. I guess I've been out of the loupe too long.
The Jedi Knight traded in his light saber for a light dagger. He had gone over to the dirk side.
The marine glue manufacturer's plans came unstuck and ended in insolvency.
I got a gold filling and put my money where my mouth is.
The termite wanted to lose weight, so he started eating more lattice.
My friends call me Mesa because of my big butte.
A sewer is a tailor.
I was caught studying the periodic table in English class. It was an elementary mistake.
There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together. They are called velcrows.
The circus performer pulled his trapezius muscles and now he is flying high on pain meds.
I went to a buffet dinner with my neighbor, who is a taxidermist. After such a big meal, I was stuffed.
When I suffered a groin injury I became quite testy.
People say that as a child, William Shakespeare was very playful.
I used to be afraid of purchasing residential property for the purpose of renting, but now I have an apartment complex.
When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.
A flat rate is the monthly rent for an apartment.
Hockey players are terrible chess players because they are always getting checked.
The cartoon animator felt imprisoned by his job. He could not free himself from his cel.
When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.
That Italian chef is really annoying. He's making a pesto himself.
If an Egyptian tried to make me sail the long way round I'd Suez canal.
I dropped a tub of margarine in the kitchen and ended up with a Parkay floor.
After three days of fishing, the musician hoped he would catch a bassoon.
Before becoming a philosopher, Kant worked quality control on a vineyard. His most famous book is 'The Critique of Pure Raisin.'
Moliere's influence on modern comedy just shows that he was very farce-sighted.
The aspiring limbo dancer overcame his fear of crowded bars, becoming a significant underachiever.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him. The suspension is killing me.
High school grammar books are parse for the course.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
The seed company turfed out my idea for ready made lawn.
The best way to make a baseball bat is to carve it by hand. Using a machine is just lathe-y.
A red blood count is a communist vampire.
'Because' is a word to the whys.
November: We start the month out stuffing ballots to elect some turkey, we end the month stuffing a turkey to increase our ballast.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
The athlete claimed he long jumped over 25 feet. Actually his best jump only measured 23 feet. This was a clear case of leap fraud.
A funny criminal is a silicon.
I was too busy drinking to notice that all my cigarettes had gone ashtray.
Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.
The British cannibal enjoyed snacking on fish and chaps.
There was an archeologist who made no bones about digging dirt up on people.
Mummies are bound to be uptight.
Bridge tolls have increased significantly over a 5 year span.
Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
I had trouble getting to the University in New Orleans. I had to drive down a two lane road.
Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough.
A weeknight is a tiny nobleman.
It took the replay analyst a long time to cut his grass. He did it in slo-mow.
