Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 10
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
I went to my doctor and told the receptionist that I felt like a deck of cards. She said, 'Have a seat, and the doctor will deal with you when he can.'
Making up puns about the finest soil is the loess form of humor.
Smartly dressed poultry would be called chic hens.
Whoever served up the wine at that banquet did a pour job.
If the movie hero of the Matrix was a woman, would she have been called Ingrid?
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
The king of diamonds proved hard to deal with.
I was enamoured with the famous Paris art museum. It was Louvre at first site.
My dog swallowed my engagement ring. I ended up with a diamond in the ruff.
As a drug counselor, I get clients by reeferal.
The farmer was surprised when his pumpkin won a blue ribbon at the State Fair. He shouted, 'Oh, my gourd.'
When the drummer moved back in next door there were many repercussions.
A shotgun is an exhausted rifle.
Is fear of sliced bacon irrational?
The people who are predicting when all time will halt are known as endochronologists.
Global warming campaigners lament the invention of the infernal combustion engine.
The electrician worked hard to get in shape so he could perform with Circuit Soleil.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
The word 'ovine' means just like ewe.
He sold a batch of release spray to someone in jail but it was just a silly-con.
Smoking may have ruined my lungs but my fingers are match fit.
Lazy people worship a bone idol.
When I was watching the news, I saw a segment on earthworms.
I saw a great comedy show in London. Folks were rolling in the isles.
He's a Freud of psychoanalysis.
I aspire to be a Steeplejack.
Often what separates a good pun, from a great one, is just a matter of 'clause and effect'.
The hand surgeon went to the opthamologist to be examined for carpal tunnel vision.
A glide-path is a soar spot.
The third degree is a diploma for successful criminals.
"Have some chocolate covered cherries," she said cordially.
I moved onto a boat in Hong Kong's harbour to avoid unsolicited advertising material but all I got was junk mail.
The hoarfrost that forms on a daycare center's windows is called nursery rime.
Art theft is a haul of frames.
When trying to curry favour with 16th Century French Protestants, it isn't what you know, it is Huguenot.
The thief was arrested as he left the fortune teller's house. He was caught read handed.
The knight stood on the shoulder of the road, looking at his disabled car. He shook his head and said, 'Chevrolet is dead.'
I went out with a coal miner's daughter. I guess you could say I was carbon dated.
Batman bought a fedora. He wanted to be the capped crusader.
I got my job at the dentist's office by word of mouth.
The misdirected astronaut wasn't exactly over the moon.
The mass of a ship is measured in keelograms.
If you invite an insomniac to your pajama party they will be up for it.
Clement Moore was tying his tie before going to Christmas Eve service. He said, 'Twas the knot before Christmas.'
When a fellow in Venice was planning a party, he asked his wife if they should invite Othello. She said, 'Sure, the Moor the merrier.'
Religious vultures prey for their food.
The punctual zombie was undead on time.
Why did the termites eat the wooden barrel? To stave off hunger.
To vulcanize is to become like Spock.
A seal has a ball at the circus.
What top does an astronaut wear to the moon? Apollo shirt.
I searched for designer compression stockings. My wife says it is because I'm so vein.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
I was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions.
I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.
I knew I had gone too far when I cheated the convicted gem smuggler. I had crossed the ruby con.
Popeye had just finished plucking a goose when a gust of wind scattered all of the feathers. He said, 'Well, blow me down.'
I was fixated on the pain in my bad tooth. I was abscessed by it.
That religious fellow fell for the same scam two times in a row. He is a burned again Christian.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
My blind date's not looking good.
The policemen said if I didn't pay my library fine he would have to book me.
An embrace at a nudist colony is a bare hug.
A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
The preacher annotated his hymn book making it a guided missal.
I have always wanted to hand out carts at Wal-Mart. I cannot imagine a greeter job.
While practicing the drums in the bassment, the boy fell, hit his head, and got a percussion.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
The man shed a tear as he saw his old storage space come down.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Digest is morbid humor.
The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.
My friend is very paranoid. He says people are either foe him or against him.
The two congressmen disagreed about what sort of pan should be used to cook pancakes. Another example of griddlelock.
When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.
When I saw the White Cliffs of Dover, I realized that the old saying was true. Chalk is steep.
The manicurist went back to college to become a veterinarian. She was great at giving a pet a cure.
The poet wrote an ode about a tractor. It was a classic case of man verses machine.
The aluminum foiled my plans.
Young horses need a stable environment where they are free to foal up and be reined in before they come to serious harm.
I was in a big hurry so I scrambled to make eggs for breakfast.
I thought I only had enough flour to bake one loaf, but after I added yeast I had eleven breads.
I drove around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway on my John Deere. I was on a track tour.
The young bovine hated to see the Prodigal Son return since he knew that he was the fated calf.
When the prisoner was told by his lawyer that he had gotten a stay of execution, he smiled and said, 'Well, no noose is good noose.'
Economic experts report that while cactus sales have spiked, aquarium sales have tanked.
Psychopaths always see amoral in the story.
When I'm feeling tired at work I just use my smart phone to download a nap.
I tried to play the bagpipes, but the sound coming out was off kilter.
A car can't make you high, but can a bus?
Under the full moon, Hamlet turned into a werewolf. Gazing up at the beautiful moon he came up with the famous line, 'To bay or not to bay...'.
His lofty eye deal was to provide free contact lenses for Giraffes.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I keep walking methodically back and forth. I have to learn to pace myself.
When a neurologist relocates, does he change his mind?
They tore strips off my dog before kicking him off that logging ship. He was disembarked.
I believe I will be able to run my car on politicians promises but I'm having trouble with the fool injection system.
