Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 9
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
The golfer guessed that his ball landed 20 feet off the fairway. Of course, that was just a rough estimate.
Did you hear about the owl that fell for twin comedians and had two wits to woo?
A golf course is a foreground.
My dog was mustard-colored. That made him a Gulden Retriever.
That gas pump must be sick. It doesn't fill well.
My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.
When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.
My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
Spoilsport is the harbor where booty is shipped in.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.
It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me.
The pod vegetables I bought for the gumbo I was making were so-so. They were medi-okra.
During my trip to Italy, I didn't do much. I just vegged out. When in Rome, do as the Romaines.
A surgeon's comments are incisive remarks.
Eve showed up one morning wearing flowers instead of a fig leaf. She was the first woman to wear bloomers.
I was in the linen trade, but gave it up. Too much toile.
A funeral ship is a sea hearse.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
A TV repairman's job is to get set to work.
Michelangelo's David is superior to postmodern sculpture - it's an artifact.
He won the twister contest hands-down.
How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.
Does Santa take his sleigh to his magic class or does he take a luge in?
The barber opened up a shavings account.
Laparoscopy shows insight.
When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.
To add to the punishment, Satan made all the tormented souls listen to elevator music. The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.
I just looked up the word 'apocalypse' in the dictionary. It was quite a revelation.
It was boring to listen to the prisoner as he kept repeating how sorry he was for his crime. He was con trite.
When the hockey player came home he gave his wife a puck on the cheek.
I hired a zombie to do some work around my house. He is the working dead.
Gladys the seamstress was recently inducted into the Pin Pushers Hall of Fame. I guess now she is a status thimble.
The author in northwest Alaska used a pen name. It was a Nome de plume.
Some doting parents are son worshipers.
Flatfish always do their job. They know their plaice.
What do you call a musician who steals sheet music? A clef-to maniac.
It's amazing what two or more sinners can achieve together with synergy.
I was just diagnosed as having a hernia. My wife and kids are setting up a truss fund.
The way he fawned over her was quite endearing.
Teaching your slinky new tricks is like spring training.
I've heard about the rumors that I keep vats of acid at my home, but they're lyes -- all lyes!
It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.
The fellow died before he was able to write his estranged daughter out of the will. Death before disown her.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
Economists report that garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sales of fresh flowers.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
If you want to keep squirrels out of the bird feeder, just install a little climb-it control.
I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.
Bookkeepers are problems for libraries.
My son wanted a scooter. When I told him they are too dangerous, he moped around the house.
The political analysts I hear the most from are Don Key and Ella Funt.
When the poetess died she went to meter maker.
To insure his own survival, Bugs was aiming to see Elmer between two cross hares.
Some cardinals got their feathers ruffled when the pope gave away the church's nest egg to the poor.
A sleeping bag is a nap sack.
A recent genetic hybrid of a dog and a mirror has given geneticists pause for reflection.
The Hungarian inventor bought a baby bear. It became known as Rubik's cub.
The cheap hotel was really a violin.
I tried sleeping at the gym but it was fitful.
Arranging Goliath's funeral was a giant undertaking.
The author wasn't pleased to see a review of his book on cappuccino's. It said it was all froth and no substance.
I don't know why my eyeglass lenses were steamed up. I was mystified.
Once the pilot started lying about his flying, he went into a tale spin.
A novice skier often jumps to contusions.
The Spanish author would not bring refreshments to his uncles, but he would serve aunties.
If you write bad things about me I am libel to sue you.
'I agree with you wholeheartedly,' said the artichoke grower.
My insurance did not cover acupuncture, so I got stuck with the bill.
Philosophers are very Hume-orous people.
I suspected our new house guest was a terrorist. He asked to sleep on a blow up mattress.
In high school I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!
When the King asked the fool for a joke the fool just shrugged. He was the court gesture.
The owner of the hair salon had to make cuts on his staff.
The truant officer caught several kids at the ice rink. They were playing hockey.
I crossed a cell phone with a skunk, and now the service stinks.
The inventor of the incubator was the first hatch-it man.
I was fired from my job selling amplifiers. I didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.
Shakespeare's parrot was the bird of Avon.
The man who bought too much graphing paper didn't know where to draw the line.
The state legislature could not decide whether to fund the water control project or the all weather stadium. It was a no win situation. Dammed if you do, domed if you don't.
I was terrified anaesthetising my first big cat, but I had to feel the fur and do it anyway.
My dentist would simply not stop working on my teeth. He was abscessive compulsive.
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.
A plastic surgeon who specializes in breast implants is a front end manager.
The fastest, most efficient way to make Halloween costumes is mask production.
With Iowa crows swearing all over the places, the result was statewide caw cusses.
I used my skeleton key to get into the haunted house.
After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing.'
I wanted to be a clarinettist but I couldn't reed music.
The constables held the boat thief at bay.
I knew that the spirit couldn't float around very long. What ghost up must come down.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
When the perfume factory magnate died it was discovered that he didn't leave his heirs a scent.
Is a group of fingerprints considered to be a whorl pool?
I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
