GotLines - Pick Up Lines, Jokes and Insults

Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 5

Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.

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The Best Puns

When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.
It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me.
The pod vegetables I bought for the gumbo I was making were so-so. They were medi-okra.
During my trip to Italy, I didn't do much. I just vegged out. When in Rome, do as the Romaines.
A surgeon's comments are incisive remarks.
Eve showed up one morning wearing flowers instead of a fig leaf. She was the first woman to wear bloomers.
I was in the linen trade, but gave it up. Too much toile.
A funeral ship is a sea hearse.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
A TV repairman's job is to get set to work.
Michelangelo's David is superior to postmodern sculpture - it's an artifact.
He won the twister contest hands-down.
How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.
Does Santa take his sleigh to his magic class or does he take a luge in?
The barber opened up a shavings account.
Laparoscopy shows insight.
When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.
To add to the punishment, Satan made all the tormented souls listen to elevator music. The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.
I just looked up the word 'apocalypse' in the dictionary. It was quite a revelation.
It was boring to listen to the prisoner as he kept repeating how sorry he was for his crime. He was con trite.
When the hockey player came home he gave his wife a puck on the cheek.
I hired a zombie to do some work around my house. He is the working dead.
Gladys the seamstress was recently inducted into the Pin Pushers Hall of Fame. I guess now she is a status thimble.
The author in northwest Alaska used a pen name. It was a Nome de plume.
Some doting parents are son worshipers.
Flatfish always do their job. They know their plaice.
What do you call a musician who steals sheet music? A clef-to maniac.
Each time I tried shooting blindfolded I found it an aimless pursuit.
It's amazing what two or more sinners can achieve together with synergy.
I was just diagnosed as having a hernia. My wife and kids are setting up a truss fund.
The way he fawned over her was quite endearing.
Teaching your slinky new tricks is like spring training.
I've heard about the rumors that I keep vats of acid at my home, but they're lyes -- all lyes!
It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.
The fellow died before he was able to write his estranged daughter out of the will. Death before disown her.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
Dental care in Panama is called a route canal.
Economists report that garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sales of fresh flowers.
The hardcore happy house dance club opened to rave reviews.
When a fellow in Venice was planning a party, he asked his wife if they should invite Othello. She said, 'Sure, the Moor the merrier.'
Religious vultures prey for their food.
The punctual zombie was undead on time.
Why did the termites eat the wooden barrel? To stave off hunger.
My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing the laundry. I replied, 'Loads.'
To vulcanize is to become like Spock.
A seal has a ball at the circus.
What top does an astronaut wear to the moon? Apollo shirt.
I searched for designer compression stockings. My wife says it is because I'm so vein.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
I was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions.
I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.
I knew I had gone too far when I cheated the convicted gem smuggler. I had crossed the ruby con.
Popeye had just finished plucking a goose when a gust of wind scattered all of the feathers. He said, 'Well, blow me down.'
I was fixated on the pain in my bad tooth. I was abscessed by it.
That religious fellow fell for the same scam two times in a row. He is a burned again Christian.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
My blind date's not looking good.
The policemen said if I didn't pay my library fine he would have to book me.
An embrace at a nudist colony is a bare hug.
A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
The preacher annotated his hymn book making it a guided missal.
I have always wanted to hand out carts at Wal-Mart. I cannot imagine a greeter job.
While practicing the drums in the bassment, the boy fell, hit his head, and got a percussion.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
The man shed a tear as he saw his old storage space come down.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Digest is morbid humor.
The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.
I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.
My friend is very paranoid. He says people are either foe him or against him.
The two congressmen disagreed about what sort of pan should be used to cook pancakes. Another example of griddlelock.
When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.
When I saw the White Cliffs of Dover, I realized that the old saying was true. Chalk is steep.
The manicurist went back to college to become a veterinarian. She was great at giving a pet a cure.
The poet wrote an ode about a tractor. It was a classic case of man verses machine.
The aluminum foiled my plans.
Young horses need a stable environment where they are free to foal up and be reined in before they come to serious harm.
I was in a big hurry so I scrambled to make eggs for breakfast.
I thought I only had enough flour to bake one loaf, but after I added yeast I had eleven breads.
I drove around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway on my John Deere. I was on a track tour.
The young bovine hated to see the Prodigal Son return since he knew that he was the fated calf.
When the prisoner was told by his lawyer that he had gotten a stay of execution, he smiled and said, 'Well, no noose is good noose.'
Economic experts report that while cactus sales have spiked, aquarium sales have tanked.
Psychopaths always see amoral in the story.
When I'm feeling tired at work I just use my smart phone to download a nap.
I tried to play the bagpipes, but the sound coming out was off kilter.
A car can't make you high, but can a bus?
Under the full moon, Hamlet turned into a werewolf. Gazing up at the beautiful moon he came up with the famous line, 'To bay or not to bay...'.
His lofty eye deal was to provide free contact lenses for Giraffes.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I keep walking methodically back and forth. I have to learn to pace myself.
When a neurologist relocates, does he change his mind?
After 5 years with the same chiropractor, I moved and had to change doctors. It was quite an adjustment.
They tore strips off my dog before kicking him off that logging ship. He was disembarked.
I believe I will be able to run my car on politicians promises but I'm having trouble with the fool injection system.
The anesthesiologist's computer has an ethernet connection.
When the Grim Reaper sweeps through, we have a brush with death.

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When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits. It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams! I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.