Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 3
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
Does "Quasimodo" ring a bell? I had a hunch it would
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
At his trial, the author needed a character witness.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
Cannibals like to meat people.
My neighbor's sprinkler is a constant irrigation to me.
Gardeners always know the ground rules.
The retired track official has started forgetting things. He has old timer's disease.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
It was so hot the other day that even the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy
A crow is a four-letter bird.
When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
I once got into so much debt that I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
The drug dealer added sugar to his marijuana to sweeten the pot.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.
Tire stores are highway rubbery.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
The mass murderer was always grumpy. He was a surly ol' killer.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.
What you seize is what you get.
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon
Comedians, the biggest joke going.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
Molecules boiling points vary to some degree.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Prosecution of the faulty limpet mine manufacturer began but the charges just wouldn't stick.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.
In some places fog will never be mist.
Claribell was so allergic to natural fibres that he had to make his clown suit entirely out of polyjester.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (G. Carlin)
When the presidential candidates campaign in rural areas, do they take a straw poll? When they campaign in forested areas do they give stump speeches?
He reminded me the speed limit was 60, but I didn't understand, he was speaking a mile a minute.
A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.
The golfer guessed that his ball landed 20 feet off the fairway. Of course, that was just a rough estimate.
Did you hear about the owl that fell for twin comedians and had two wits to woo?
A red blood count is a communist vampire.
The best way to make a baseball bat is to carve it by hand. Using a machine is just lathe-y.
If you want to keep squirrels out of the bird feeder, just install a little climb-it control.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
A golf course is a foreground.
My dog was mustard-colored. That made him a Gulden Retriever.
That gas pump must be sick. It doesn't fill well.
The seed company turfed out my idea for ready made lawn.
My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.
When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.
My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
Spoilsport is the harbor where booty is shipped in.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.
It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!
The cannibal hitman preferred take out food.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me.
That Italian chef is really annoying. He's making a pesto himself.
Laparoscopy shows insight.
Teaching your slinky new tricks is like spring training.
The way he fawned over her was quite endearing.
I've heard about the rumors that I keep vats of acid at my home, but they're lyes -- all lyes!
I was just diagnosed as having a hernia. My wife and kids are setting up a truss fund.
It's amazing what two or more sinners can achieve together with synergy.
The aspiring limbo dancer overcame his fear of crowded bars, becoming a significant underachiever.
What do you call a musician who steals sheet music? A clef-to maniac.
It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.
The fellow died before he was able to write his estranged daughter out of the will. Death before disown her.
Flatfish always do their job. They know their plaice.
Some doting parents are son worshipers.
The author in northwest Alaska used a pen name. It was a Nome de plume.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
Gladys the seamstress was recently inducted into the Pin Pushers Hall of Fame. I guess now she is a status thimble.
I hired a zombie to do some work around my house. He is the working dead.
When the hockey player came home he gave his wife a puck on the cheek.
It was boring to listen to the prisoner as he kept repeating how sorry he was for his crime. He was con trite.
I just looked up the word 'apocalypse' in the dictionary. It was quite a revelation.
To add to the punishment, Satan made all the tormented souls listen to elevator music. The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.
When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.
Economists report that garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sales of fresh flowers.
Eve showed up one morning wearing flowers instead of a fig leaf. She was the first woman to wear bloomers.
