Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 2
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
The astronomer quit his job to become a barber. Eclipse hair now.
How do pinnipeds communicate? With seal phones.
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.
I was going to buy some loose tea, but the price was too steep.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
All births are an Emergency.
What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
A monster who likes to ring doorbells is a knock less monster.
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
I might study something at a university that someone once told me about - there is a degree of ambiguity there.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Bird-dogs are great for music, because they're both woofers and tweeters.
A good acupuncture is a jab well done.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Me'a skeptic? I trust you have proof
Zookeepers spot clean their leopards.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall
Tried to play my shoehorn - all I got was footnotes
Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
To learn about paranoids, follow them around.
The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.
At his trial, the author needed a character witness.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
Does "Quasimodo" ring a bell? I had a hunch it would
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
The most popular operation for orthopaedic surgeons is upper-leg surgery: very hip.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are inseine.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
I once worked at a factory that made boat paddles. The starting pay was ten dollars an oar.
If a Monk throws a hissy fit, is it a temple tantrum?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I ordered whole wheat toast but it tasted funny. I think something was awry.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
Even though the chef's girlfriend was grate in many ways. She had a temper that boiled easily, was half-baked and extremely kneady.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
There was a hiring freeze at the ice-skating rink.
The tarantula found his partner online. He spider on the web.
What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum.
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault
A summer is a mathematician.
The retired general would not help his grandson color Easter eggs, but he did give the boy some cottage cheese. Old soldiers never dye, they just feed some whey.
Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organisations.
I knew I had to pay the mobster the money I owed him. It was a matter of life or debt.
As long as the imperial system is in place a ruler will be afoot.
The land where movies are made is called reel estate.
Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.
A no-fly zone prohibits zippers.
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
The ghost never took sides during arguments. He was super neutral.
Rabbits like their beer brewed with a lot of hops.
Did you hear about the herb who was an all round great guy, did loads of charity work and was always there to help? He was a Tarragon Of Virtue.
When you lose something, why do you always find it in the last place you look? Because you stop looking as soon as you find it.
Oncology is the study of car horns.
A lawyer who likes to go fishing is an attorney-at-lure.
Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.
What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
I met the woman of my dreams at the base of Mount Vesuvius. She is the lava my life.
I asked Kermit the Frog what I should use to join the pieces of metal, but all he said was, 'Rivet, rivet.'
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
He was teed off with his bad start, driving the ball almost beyond the green, but he was able to putt it behind him.
Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
The skeleton was trying tibia little humerus.
A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
Valentine's Day is pure cupidity.
I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, but I will de-fib you later.
The luminescent Pelican triggered an air defense alert of glow bill proportions.
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
