Puns Bad Enough to Come Back Round to Good - Part 3
Puns are great and quick way to make someone laugh or give you a nasty look! Give it a go and see if your friend has a sense of humor. It's always funnier if they're slow to get the pun.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
I ordered whole wheat toast but it tasted funny. I think something was awry.
If a Monk throws a hissy fit, is it a temple tantrum?
I once worked at a factory that made boat paddles. The starting pay was ten dollars an oar.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Gardeners always know the ground rules.
The skeleton was trying tibia little humerus.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
He reminded me the speed limit was 60, but I didn't understand, he was speaking a mile a minute.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
Cannibals like to meat people.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
In some places fog will never be mist.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.
What you seize is what you get.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
When the presidential candidates campaign in rural areas, do they take a straw poll? When they campaign in forested areas do they give stump speeches?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (G. Carlin)
I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
Molecules boiling points vary to some degree.
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
Does "Quasimodo" ring a bell? I had a hunch it would
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are inseine.
Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
The retired track official has started forgetting things. He has old timer's disease.
A summer is a mathematician.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.
Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.
My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
The cannibal hitman preferred take out food.
If an Egyptian tried to make me sail the long way round I'd Suez canal.
I told the knight that I could knock him out of his saddle. Of course, I was speaking in joust.
If you want to keep squirrels out of the bird feeder, just install a little climb-it control.
Spoilsport is the harbor where booty is shipped in.
I dropped a tub of margarine in the kitchen and ended up with a Parkay floor.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
After three days of fishing, the musician hoped he would catch a bassoon.
When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.
It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!
Before becoming a philosopher, Kant worked quality control on a vineyard. His most famous book is 'The Critique of Pure Raisin.'
Semaphore was flagged away as a form of communication decades ago.
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
I support both of my wives very well. I think that's big o' me.
The pod vegetables I bought for the gumbo I was making were so-so. They were medi-okra.
During my trip to Italy, I didn't do much. I just vegged out. When in Rome, do as the Romaines.
The editor really took a lot out of my manuscript. He cut a great dele.
Moliere's influence on modern comedy just shows that he was very farce-sighted.
My wife's dad spends a lot of time in the bathroom. He is my Father in Loo.
The aspiring limbo dancer overcame his fear of crowded bars, becoming a significant underachiever.
A surgeon's comments are incisive remarks.
Eve showed up one morning wearing flowers instead of a fig leaf. She was the first woman to wear bloomers.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him. The suspension is killing me.
I was in the linen trade, but gave it up. Too much toile.
A funeral ship is a sea hearse.
Funniness and cleverness have always been two notable factors for rating puns, but the third has groan in significance.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
A TV repairman's job is to get set to work.
Michelangelo's David is superior to postmodern sculpture - it's an artifact.
He won the twister contest hands-down.
How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.
Does Santa take his sleigh to his magic class or does he take a luge in?
The barber opened up a shavings account.
November: We start the month out stuffing ballots to elect some turkey, we end the month stuffing a turkey to increase our ballast.
The way he fawned over her was quite endearing.
I was just diagnosed as having a hernia. My wife and kids are setting up a truss fund.
It's amazing what two or more sinners can achieve together with synergy.
Mummies are bound to be uptight.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
A red blood count is a communist vampire.
'Because' is a word to the whys.
Teaching your slinky new tricks is like spring training.
