Halloween jokes are built for children and reluctant adults in equal measure, and this is our full set of them, ranked by reader votes. Expect skeletons, ghosts, vampires, witches and monsters, with the sort of punchlines that get a groan rather than a laugh — which on Halloween is entirely the correct response. Good for parties, classrooms, trick-or-treaters who want more than sweets, and anyone who needs one reliable joke to get through the evening. Most are clean enough for children.
The Best Funny Halloween Jokes
In what room of the house would you never find a ghost? The living room.
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer.
What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What did the mummy say to the detective? Let's wrap this case up.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice Scream.
What does a vampire fear the most? Tooth decay.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Where did the vampire open his savings account? At a blood bank.
What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern? A plumpkin.
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor? Lemon-slime.
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends.
Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day? - Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood.
Where does a ghost refuel his porche? - At a ghastly station.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine? - To stop his coffin.
Whats a ghost's favorate type of car? - A boo-ick
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash [!].
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A hoblin goblin.
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite.
What's the favorite game at ghosts' birthday parties? Hide and Shriek.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What instrument do skeleton play? - Trom-BONE.
What kind of gum do ghosts chew? - Boo Boo Gum.
What can't you give the headless horseman? - A headache.
Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie? - He didn't have the guts.
Why don't ghost have bands? - They get booooed.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich.
What do you call a witch in the desert? A sandwitch.
What's the problem with twin witches? You never know which witch is which.
What did the mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? Don't spook until you're spoken to.
How are vampires like false teeth? They both come out at night.
Who are some of the werewolves cousins? The whatwolves, the whowolves, and the whenwolves.
[On the other hand] Where do mummies go for a swim? The dead sea.
Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.
What are you gonna be for halloween? Drunk!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry-day.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? - Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What do you call a little monsters parents - mummy and deady
How do you scare a mummy - with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy.
Why do ghosts shiver and moan? - It's drafty under that sheet.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? - All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone.
What did the skeleton say to the bartender? I'll have two beers and a mop.
Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.
What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebbed.
What do Italians eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
How does a ghost say goodbye to a vampire? So long, sucker!
What do you call a witch's garage? A broom closet.
What do you give to a pumpkin trying to quit smoking? A pumpkin patch.
What did the three vampires order at the bar? Two bloods and a blood light.
Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It raises their spirits.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license.
What kind of monster is safe to put in a washing machine? A wash and wear wolf.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Why don't angry witches ride their brooms? They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A hollow-weenie!
What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? - Ghoul-aid!
What is a Mummie's favorite type of music? - Wrap!
What's a monster's favorite bean? - A human bean.
Why can't the boy ghost have babies? - Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? - Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
What did the skeleton say to the vampire? - You suck.
What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A.Ghoul
Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? - He was all bite and no bark.
Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat. - Because of the coffin.
Why is a ghost such a messy eater? - Because he is always a goblin.
What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? - Whipped scream.
What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets? - Dead ends
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? - Mas-scare-a.
What happens when two vampires meet? - It was love at first bite!
Who was the most famous ghost detective? - Sherlock Moans.
Where do most werewolves live? - In howllywood, California
Where do most goblins live? - in North and South Scarolina.
Why did the skeleton go disco dancing? - to see the boogy man.
