Halloween jokes are built for children and reluctant adults in equal measure, and this is our full set of them, ranked by reader votes. Expect skeletons, ghosts, vampires, witches and monsters, with the sort of punchlines that get a groan rather than a laugh — which on Halloween is entirely the correct response. Good for parties, classrooms, trick-or-treaters who want more than sweets, and anyone who needs one reliable joke to get through the evening. Most are clean enough for children.
The Best Funny Halloween Jokes
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. - sour-puss
What do ghosts eat for breakfast? - Boo-Berries.
Why do vampires scare people? - They are bored to death!
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? - Every night he turns into a bat.
What songs does Dracula hate? - "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.
What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? - Ok, that's a wrap.
How does a girl vampire flirt? - She bats her eyes.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? - He has a bat temper.
Why did Dracula go to the dentist? - He had a fang-ache.
What kind of key does a skeleton use? - A skeleton key.
How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? - Give him screws.
Why did the headless horseman go into business? - He wanted to get ahead in life.
What is a ghosts favorite sale? - A white sale.
What's a ghosts favorite desert? - Boo-berry pie.
What type of dog does every vampire have? - Bloodhound!
When does a ghost have breakfast? - In the moaning.
What do ghosts drink at breakfast? - Coffee with scream and sugar.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? - Mali-boo.
Where did the ghost get it's hair done? - At the boo-ty shop.
Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? - a coffin.
What do they teach in witching school? - Spelling.
Why does a witch ride a broom? - Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.
What do you call two witches living together? - Broommates.
Where do ghosts go out? - Where they can get booo-ze.
What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad? - Ground him
Why was the mummy so tense? - Because he was all wound up.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? - Because he had bat breath.
What did the bird say on Halloween? - Trick or tweet!
What's a Vampire's least favourate song? - Another one bites the dust!
What is a Skeleton's favorite song. - Bad to the Bone
What do gosts call there girl friends? - There goul friends.
What did the goblin say to the witch? - I don't know you tell me!
What did Dracula have for dessert? - Whine & Ice scream
What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt? - Murder King
What is in a ghost's nose? - Boogers
What was the mummies' vacation like? - Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.
What did tha boy ghost say to the girl ghost? - You are the most booooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!
Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? - Because people are dying to get in.
Where do vampires keep their money? - The blood bank!
What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? - They suck!
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? White Pillowcases.
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.
Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets.
How do monsters tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetit!
For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Where did the goblin throw the football? - Over the ghoul line.
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? - A toasty ghosty.
Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.
What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop? - Scream or sugar!
What do witches use in their hair? - scare-spray
What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet? - blood-thirsty hacker baby
Why did't the skeleton cross the road? A: He had no guts.
What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? - A grave problem.
Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes? - Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? - A boo-tie.
Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street? - He was dying to get to the other side!!
Why do skeletons drink milk? - To help their bones!
What's a skeletons favorite part of the house? - the living room
What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Haloween? - Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.
Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights? - He's all bone & no muscle.
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts.
Who was the most famous French skeleton? - Napoleon bone-apart
Which building does Dracula visit in New York? - The Vampire State Building.
How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch.
