Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
Can I take your temperature? Because you're looking hot today.
If I go into cardiac arrest will you give me mouth to mouth?
Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum?
I can find every pulse in your body!
You make me vasodilate!
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
I ordered whole wheat toast but it tasted funny. I think something was awry.
There was a hiring freeze at the ice-skating rink.
The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.
I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, but I will de-fib you later.
I met the woman of my dreams at the base of Mount Vesuvius. She is the lava my life.
The conversation between the brain surgeon and the anaesthesiologist was mind numbing.
Carrot is auto rust.
The environmentalist rode his bike 20 miles in the morning and 20 more in the evening. He loved recycling.
The luminescent Pelican triggered an air defense alert of glow bill proportions.
Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.
A no-fly zone prohibits zippers.
Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.
I knew I had to pay the mobster the money I owed him. It was a matter of life or debt.
The land where movies are made is called reel estate.
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
The ghost never took sides during arguments. He was super neutral.
Rabbits like their beer brewed with a lot of hops.
A butter is an angry goat.
Attire goes on a wheel.
The tarantula found his partner online. He spider on the web.
Even though the chef's girlfriend was grate in many ways. She had a temper that boiled easily, was half-baked and extremely kneady.
Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.
At his trial, the author needed a character witness.
It was so hot the other day that even the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
The mass murderer was always grumpy. He was a surly ol' killer.
The drug dealer added sugar to his marijuana to sweeten the pot.
Claribell was so allergic to natural fibres that he had to make his clown suit entirely out of polyjester.
I once got into so much debt that I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.
A crow is a four-letter bird.
The thing about vampires is they always have such biting humour.
A summer is a mathematician.
The skeleton was trying tibia little humerus.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
Molecules boiling points vary to some degree.
Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.
When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
The retired track official has started forgetting things. He has old timer's disease.
The most popular operation for orthopaedic surgeons is upper-leg surgery: very hip.
I once worked at a factory that made boat paddles. The starting pay was ten dollars an oar.
If a Monk throws a hissy fit, is it a temple tantrum?
I asked Kermit the Frog what I should use to join the pieces of metal, but all he said was, 'Rivet, rivet.'
I was going to buy some loose tea, but the price was too steep.
A lawyer who likes to go fishing is an attorney-at-lure.
Did you hear about the herb who was an all round great guy, did loads of charity work and was always there to help? He was a Tarragon Of Virtue.
As long as the imperial system is in place a ruler will be afoot.
Oncology is the study of car horns.
What did Dracula have for dessert? - Whine & Ice scream
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
Thanksgiving Day, across America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment... halftime.
You must be my coronary artery because you're wrapped around my heart.
We are going to have very HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Excuse me, are you osteoporosis? Because you're giving me a serious bone condition.
Want to be the susceptible host to my airborne pathogen?
I don't want to hold you back.
If I said Marco, would you say Polo?
Maybe we have too much in common and too much alike.
I'm excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.
Want to break the wishbone? I'm wishing for a date with you.
The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you.
What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? - They suck!
My multi-phasic trans-dimensional inducer method is guaranteed to complete your cycle of operations.
Hey baby, are you a fish? Because you like FINtastic.
Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? - Because people are dying to get in.
Don't feel bad about going 5 under the speed limit, I wouldn't want to damage you going too fast either.
I see you got a lot of room in your backseat.
What did tha boy ghost say to the girl ghost? - You are the most booooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!
Can I check out your oil with my dipstick.
What was the mummies' vacation like? - Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.
How about I shift my stick into something else...
What is in a ghost's nose? - Boogers
What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt? - Murder King
What do you call two witches living together? - Broommates.
What kind of key does a skeleton use? - A skeleton key.
Why did the headless horseman go into business? - He wanted to get ahead in life.
What is a ghosts favorite sale? - A white sale.
What's a ghosts favorite desert? - Boo-berry pie.
What type of dog does every vampire have? - Bloodhound!
When does a ghost have breakfast? - In the moaning.
What do ghosts drink at breakfast? - Coffee with scream and sugar.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? - Mali-boo.
Where did the ghost get it's hair done? - At the boo-ty shop.
Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? - a coffin.
What do they teach in witching school? - Spelling.
Why does a witch ride a broom? - Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.
What did the bird say on Halloween? - Trick or tweet!
What did the goblin say to the witch? - I don't know you tell me!
What do gosts call there girl friends? - There goul friends.
I'd like to clean your plasma conduits.
What is a Skeleton's favorite song. - Bad to the Bone
Comedians, the biggest joke going.
What's a Vampire's least favourate song? - Another one bites the dust!
What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad? - Ground him
