Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
You and me together would be totally groovy baby!
If you join this drum circle you're sure to get a good bang.
That's a nice hammock. Does it fit two?
Hey baby, I've got you two tickets to the gun show...Let's use them to go and protest gun-related violence!
I'm undressing you with my 3rd eye.
My carbon footprint is the only part of me that's small.
Turn on, tune in, drop your pants.
I'd share my bar of soap with you.
If I told you you had a beautiful Prius, would you hold it against me?
I loved you before it was cool.
Seriously baby, I'll take you out as soon as this check clears from my parents.
Hey girl, let's forget the world and start a post-rock band.
Hey, my name's Ethel, it's a really vintage name, i doubt you've ever heard it before.
Guy: Hey, do you have any pretentious avant-garde photographer in you? Girl: Um, no. Guy: Want some?
I'm gonna disrupt the shit out of your technology.
Do you want to roll around in my collection of antique buttons and talk about our childhood dreams?
Want to come over and listen to NPR.
Hey girl, is that an original Yo La Tengo 7†in your pants? Because your butt is extremely valuable.
My beard is the same length as Abraham Lincoln's was on his 7th birthday.
Hey baby, let's get coffee and vegan donuts.
Wanna go on a post-date?
I'd like to have you on vinyl.
Was that you at a Vivian Girls concert?
We go together like coffee and cigarettes.
Do you want to go to bed bath and beyond and smell unscented candles and tell each other what we think we smell?
Want to go dumpster diving in my alley?
Lemme add my app to your dashboard. If you know what I mean.
When's the last time you had a good macaroon?
There's an Arcade Fire ... In my pants.
I like my coffee like I like my women: ethical, fair trade, and organic.
I'm in my backyard...in my Eno... It's a double-nester.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together at an Pixies show.
Baby I see our relationship being like a good denim jacket: timeless.
Is that a pair of vintage Ray Bans in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Girl, I got an extra pair of TOMS that might fit you. Want to come over & try them on?
That ironic t-shirt you're wearing would look better on my floor.
Yeah, I was kind of a big deal at last year's Expozine.
Did you know that PBR actually stands for ‘Pretty Big Rod'?
I feel like we met at Whole Foods, because you make me feel complete.
Wanna meet my Cobrasnake?
Would you like to be my lock screen?
Hey girl you're as hot as my Venti double shot dark mocha macchiato with no foam.
I love you more than Dustin Kensrue of Thrice loves to write songs referencing fire...
Maybe it's just the PBR talking, but I could see myself in a non-monogamous relationship with you, or whatever.
In bed, I'm just like my fixed-gear bike: Extremely hard to stop.
You've got bike courier eyes.
It's a good day for the eno. Let's hang later.
You're sweeter than the agave syrup in my organic fair trade mint tea.
Do you Chemex? Want to see my drip?
Hey girl, I have a unreturned library book that I want to read to you tonight.
Hey, haven't we had sex in the bathroom at Green Room before?
I was in love with you before your ex was!
Hey girl, let's go get lost at IKEA.
Hey babe, I know you'll love my pick up lines 'cause you've never heard them before.
Are you a hipster? 'Cause we should go out and fog up our glasses!
Babe, I ain't no hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
Hey babe, are you gluten free tonight?
I'd like to play your cool B Side.
How about we try an experimental kiss?
I'd take my sun glasses off for you!
Let's get out of here and go fog up are non-prescription glasses.
Up for a little dominance and humiliation?
Can I impale you with my 7″ stake?
Are you a witch? Because am under your spell.
You couldn't be any hotter if you were dead.
Baby are you a diamond in the ruff cause I wanna cut you.
Worship me!
Wow. That outfit must make a lot of noise in the dryer.
Wanna go somewhere a little darker?
Are you a vampire? Because I've got something I'ld like you to suck.
Are you an adjusted trial balance? Because everything feels complete when you're near.
Are you a trial balance? Because everything feels right when you're around.
You're like my favorite spreadsheet—organized, efficient, and absolutely perfect.
Are you a variance report? Because you're an unexpected surprise.
You must be working capital, because you're keeping my heart running smoothly.
Are you a ledger? Because I'd trust you with all my entries.
Are you interest revenue? Because my feelings for you just keep growing.
I don't need to amortize my feelings—my love for you is instant.
Are you a balance sheet? Because my assets and liabilities are all about you.
You're like a tax credit—an absolute lifesaver.
Are you an internal audit? Because you've revealed how amazing you truly are.
I must be inventory, because my heart is turning over just thinking about you.
Are you cost accounting? Because you're adding so much value to my life.
You must be net profit, because you're what I've been working toward.
Are you tax-free? Because being with you feels like pure gain.
You're like a clean audit opinion—rare and incredibly valuable.
Are you a CPA exam? Because I'd study you all night long.
You must be a contract, because I want to sign my heart over to you.
Are you an affidavit? Because you've sworn to steal my heart.
I'd waive all my rights just to spend more time with you.
You must be tort law, because you've caused some serious emotional damage—in the best way.
Are you a statute? Because you've codified everything I've ever wanted.
You must be a judge, because you've ruled over my heart.
Are you my law professor? Because I could study you all day.
My love for you is like stare decisis—it's binding and unshakable.
Are you a deposition? Because I want to hear everything about you.
Are you a closing argument? Because you've convinced me to fall for you.
You must be a legal brief, because you're concise, captivating, and to the point.
Are you an objection? Because you just overruled my better judgment.
You must be my ledger, because my life feels perfectly balanced with you in it.
