Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
Where'd you get that pretty MedicAlert bracelet?
I got a pension and I'm not afraid to use it.
I've got a Victrola back in my room. Wanna hear my Sinatra record?
Ohh baby...you're making my arteries hard.
I wouldn't mind seeing you for the rest of my life.
I want to sweep you off your walker and into your wheelchair.
Your company is so delightful, I'm contemplating putting a new battery in my hearing aid.
Don't worry I won't bite... No teeth!
Is your name Viagra, cause I don't think they will be able to close my casket after a night with you.
Are you a cat lady? Cause I'm the cat whisperer cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.
Break my hip, not my heart.
May I take you to dinner? Next Monday would be best because that's when my social security check arrives.
Your senior assisted living facility or mine?
Can I carry your oxygen tank for you?
I've fallen for you and I can't get up! No worries though, life alert is on its way!
Do you believe in love at first sight, 'cause, if so, I'll grab my bifocals.
Everyday will be like our first day together cause I won't remember any of this tomorrow.
I would sink my teeth into that booty, but they might just stay there.
What's a nice girl like you doing in... wait, where am I?
As soon as I get my hip replacement, I'm going to hump you.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a nursing home like this?
You're never too old to turn new tricks...
I can't remember what sex is. Care to help me remember?
Have we met before? No, seriously, have we met before?
Do you really need that scooter? Because youve been running in my mind all day long.
Do you want the lights off or the teeth out?
I've got a handrail in my shower, babe!
Ever done it in a Craftmatic adjustable bed?
Your smile looks nice, but it would look better in a glass on my nightstand.
Waiter, you have an aged, dry white? Something to complement the little lady here.
Did you fall from heaven and you can't get up?
Is that a catheter in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
I must not have alzheimer's today because I remember how cute you are!
So, what was your name again?
Your name must be Alzheimer, because the Kaiser stole my pudding...
Sorry, but I couldn't help but noticing how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.
The doctor says I need more vitamin U.
Hey, can I get a ride to the pharmacy?
I'm dieing to see you. Literally. I don't have much time left.
Where have you been pretty much all of my life?
Is that a shattered hip, or are you just happy to see me?
Are those your tits in your socks or are you just happy to see me?
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? RUDE-olph
The marine glue manufacturer's plans came unstuck and ended in insolvency.
Would you like to come home with me and pet my kangaroo?
Wanna play hide the Koala?
If a reindeer lost his tail, where would it go for a new one? A retail shop
I'd like to take a safari in your outback.
I wanna get lost in your Outback.
The Jedi Knight traded in his light saber for a light dagger. He had gone over to the dirk side.
Are you from Australia? Cuz I'd like to visit you down under.
Are you the ex leader of the Aus Democrats because I'd love to explore your Ridgeway.
Why is a burning Christmas candle like being thirsty? Because a little water ends both of them
I got a pois'nous snake in me pants, wanna see it?
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
The calculus teacher tried to keep his students on task, but the class discussion kept going off on tangents.
May i take your truck for a test drive?
When buying a lamp a shady deal usually takes place.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Are you a beaver? Because dam!
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's Cuddle.
You've never been to Port Hardy? I'll take you. It's in my pants.
The darker the berry the sweeter the juice, unless you're making syrup, of course.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Want to see my lumber, Jack?
You're sweeter than my maple syrup.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
You know what they say about guys with big snowshoes.
Is that a maple syrup bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Will you help me erect my totem pole?
I'm really into architecture; want to see my CN tower?
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
My igloo is cold, can I sleep with you tonight?
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
Have you ever been fishing? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Are you a sugar maple tree? Because I would totally tap that.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
In veterinary school we studied the brain of the hippopotamus. At that time most students stayed on the main campus, while I stayed on the hippocampus.
What is Santa's dog named? Santa Paws
What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with a detective? Santa Clues
Two fur traders once took a golfing trip together. They played a skins match.
Let's boomerbang!
I got a sauso Sanga in me pants and I'm happy to see ya!
I have a difficult time discerning fine jewelry. I guess I've been out of the loupe too long.
If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
Do u have Australian in you? Would u like some?
Can I see the little joey in your pouch?
Ooh baby, I'm like a boomerang. You can run, but I'm coming right back to you no matter what.
If you need something done, call an electrician - they conduit.
Do you want to Australian Kiss? It's like the French kiss only down under.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
That's right; I'm bigger'n the Sydney Tower.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
You know the Mounties? Well how about you Mount Me?
I'm going to straddle your border like Lloydminster.
