Insults. Something about sticks and stones and words that never hurt? Well, whoever said that obviously missed all of the good insults. We try and keep it clean around here, but you will find just about everything on this list for your name calling needs.
The Best Insults
Is your name Viagra, cause I don't think they will be able to close my casket after a night with you.
Don't worry I won't bite... No teeth!
Your company is so delightful, I'm contemplating putting a new battery in my hearing aid.
I want to sweep you off your walker and into your wheelchair.
I wouldn't mind seeing you for the rest of my life.
Ohh baby...you're making my arteries hard.
I've got a Victrola back in my room. Wanna hear my Sinatra record?
I got a pension and I'm not afraid to use it.
Where'd you get that pretty MedicAlert bracelet?
Let's move things to the bedroom. We can use my stairlift.
I dropped a tub of margarine in the kitchen and ended up with a Parkay floor.
I want to floss with your pubic hair.
I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium.
I have a van out the back and there is free candy in it.
If an Egyptian tried to make me sail the long way round I'd Suez canal.
Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
That Italian chef is really annoying. He's making a pesto himself.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.
If I touch you, do you promise not to call the cops?
The cartoon animator felt imprisoned by his job. He could not free himself from his cel.
They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse or Stuffing-cide.
Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.
My aunt is bringing her homemade cranberry sauce to our Thanksgiving dinner, and my uncle is bringing his blatant racism!
Hope your Turkey is moist and your stuffing in fluffy and when you're done eating you'll be nice and stuffy.
My couch pulls out, but I don't
Hi, you'll do just fine!
Want to be my -boo-ty call?
You're so good lookin' I'd drink your bath water.
You're a skele-10 in my book.
I'm kind of new around here... can you show me the way to your apartment/house?
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
Is your Dad in prison? If I were your Dad, I'd be in prison.
Hockey players are terrible chess players because they are always getting checked.
If your feeling down, remember, I'll feel you back up
I was going to go as a polar bear but I figured [Your Costume] could break the ice, too.
A flat rate is the monthly rent for an apartment.
I can't find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.
I used to be afraid of purchasing residential property for the purpose of renting, but now I have an apartment complex.
Hey there Boo-tiful
Can you give me directions... to your heart? And kidneys?
People say that as a child, William Shakespeare was very playful.
Hey Cinderella, it's time I took you home. It's nearly midnight!
Will you run away from me somewhere romantic?
I've got a crawlspace with your name on it.
When I suffered a groin injury I became quite testy.
I have a loaded gun, get in the car.
I bet it hurt when you fell from Heaven? I can help you get there if you'd like?
I went to a buffet dinner with my neighbor, who is a taxidermist. After such a big meal, I was stuffed.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me tonight.
The circus performer pulled his trapezius muscles and now he is flying high on pain meds.
There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together. They are called velcrows.
Baby, I will blow your mind. Literally. With a bat.
I nailed my wood-shop test.
I was caught studying the periodic table in English class. It was an elementary mistake.
A sewer is a tailor.
My friends call me Mesa because of my big butte.
Wanna come back to my place and see my itchings?
Your hospice bed or mine?
I've got a tiny blue pill with your name on it.
A roofer got arrested recently. He flashed a chimney.
Did it hurt when you fell from the sky or have I finally made it to Heaven. If that's the case I didn't feel a thing!
Honey, you're playing with my heart. At least the dial that controls my Pacemaker.
Do you want to get dinner with me? Must be between 4-4:30.
Girl I'd fake being a blind old man, just to touch you inappropriately.
How do you make a slow reindeer fast? You don't feed it
I got a pill I could take back at my place, if you could tell me where my place is.
Hey, I just got my new teeth. Want to join me for dinner so I can test them out?
Your Nursing home or mine?
You remind me of someone I met during the summer of 1969, those were the best days of my life.
Baby, you must be dentures because I need to take you out every night.
Let's get a nice drink of prune juice sometime.
Wanna try out my new hip?
Let's get crazy and leave our teeth in tonight.
I've fallen for you and I can't get up.
Hey beautiful, they still let me drive. Wanna go for a ride?
When I look at you, my arteries aren't the only things that harden.
My kids are all grown up. We can have the house to ourselves, until I fall asleep around 7, 7:30 pm.
Hey baby, my boobs are looking right at your penis down there.
Is that a new hip or are you just happy to see me?
I got a bottle of wine and a new pack of Depends in my scooter if you're feelin' frisky.
Is that a Depends under your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Hey, you still breathing?
My teeth and I no longer sleep together, but you and I definitely should.
Do you play bingo? Because I've seen you B4.
No, I didn't have a stroke; I was actually winking at you.
How about I take you home and show you my medicine cabinet!
Getting lucky usually means finding my car in the parking lot, but tonight you can change that.
Hey, wanna good time? I bought some great Viagra back from Bali?
By me a drink and I'll take out my teeth for a good time.
Baby is your name Cholesterol, because you send my blood pressure skyrocketing!
Just gotta new hip replacement. How's about you and me take it for spin?
Is that your catheter line...or are you just pleased to see me?
I'm retired, so you know I have the time to please you.
Can I share your oxygen tank? Because you took my breath away.
The termite wanted to lose weight, so he started eating more lattice.
I'll meet you for dinner. Does noon work?
Let's make sweet love in the backseat of my car by the light of the blinking left turn indicator.
