Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.
Top Funny Short Jokes
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
Roses are red, my face is too, that only happens when I'm around you
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!
I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean
Congress is the opposite of progress?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
For anyone who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
Can I follow you? Cause my mom told me to follow my dreams
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!
What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
I heard you're good in algebra, can you replace my X without asking Y
How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.
The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.
Doctor: You're overweight.
Patient: I think I want a second opinion.
Doctor: You're also ugly.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? -- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? --
Damn
How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why can't an idiot dial 911? -- He can't find the 11 on the phone!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonalds.
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? -- He had no body to go with him!
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
You know what's beautiful? Read the first word.
What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.
What do you do if a idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him!
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? -- He's all right now.
Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? --
His lips are moving.
Why does the blonde have the biggest boobs in the sixth grade? Because she's 18.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
If brain cells had value, you'd be broke.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
What do you call a cow with no legs? -- Ground beef.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? -- Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? $100 bill
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through something so small?
Crime doesn't pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Cause obviously you landed on your face
Are you Neymar? Cause I'm trippin' and fallin' for you.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.
Your IQ is roughly around room temperature.
Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? -- Because they taste funny.
Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Is Your Dad A Preacher? Cause Girl You're A Blessing
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea I dumped my ex's body in.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.
Want to look thinner? Hang out with fat people.
Irish saying - There are only three kinds of men who don't understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.
I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, even the diaper bag. But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Are you in some kind of fitness protection program?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time! I think I've forgotten this before?
I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
