Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.
Top Funny Short Jokes
People avoid you like the plague, not just because of your ugliness, but because you radiate a putrid stench of repulsiveness.
Your mirror must be traumatized from having to reflect your hideous visage day after day.
If there was an award for the ugliest motherfucker on the planet, you'd win it without any competition.
What do you say we bounce like a bad email?
I think we have a connection stronger than our wifi.
If men were landing pages, I'd only want to convert on you.
Your face looks like it was hit by a freight train, then dragged through a field of broken glass for good measure.
So, do you come out into the real world often?
Your ugliness is like a curse, a constant reminder that life can be cruel and unforgiving.
You have a face that could make a blind person regain their sight, only to gouge their own eyes out in horror.
Your face is like a train wreck, a horrifying disaster that leaves onlookers scarred for life.
Congratulations, you've achieved a level of repulsiveness that defies all comprehension.
The sight of your car makes people question the very existence of taste and style.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky.
Since I'm all about chocolate, how 'bout a little sugar?
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I'm falling all over the place for you.
I'm feeling a little off today. Will you turn me on?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to roll by again?
Can I take your temperature? Because you're looking hot today.
Where there is a pulse there is a chance.
If I go into cardiac arrest will you give me mouth to mouth?
Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum?
They don't call me Bones because I'm a doctor.
You make me vasodilate!
Your car's suspension is as stiff as a corpse, providing a bone-shattering experience that leaves passengers longing for the sweet embrace of death.
The interior of your car is a haven for filth and grime, a breeding ground for bacteria and foul odors.
Your car's handling is so atrocious, it's like trying to maneuver a drunken elephant through a minefield.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for someone way better than you.
Do you have a name or can I call you 'ugly'?
Is your dad a failure? Because you're a living testament to his incompetence.
Do you have a name or can I just call you abomination?
I like hookers.
Do you have a fuse? Because you're about to ignite my passion.
I ordered whole wheat toast but it tasted funny. I think something was awry.
Are you a light switch? Because you're illuminating my world.
I don't need a meter to tell me that you're hot.
You are like a live wire, hot and irresistible.
There was a hiring freeze at the ice-skating rink.
My first job was peddling designer clothing. I was a Dior to Dior salesman.
Are you a cheerleader? Because you've got me on the edge of my seat.
The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.
Are you a Hail Mary pass? Because you're my last hope.
I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, but I will de-fib you later.
I met the woman of my dreams at the base of Mount Vesuvius. She is the lava my life.
The conversation between the brain surgeon and the anaesthesiologist was mind numbing.
Carrot is auto rust.
The environmentalist rode his bike 20 miles in the morning and 20 more in the evening. He loved recycling.
The luminescent Pelican triggered an air defense alert of glow bill proportions.
Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.
Are you a first down? Because I'd go the extra yard for you.
Are you a quarterback draw? Because you've drawn me in.
A no-fly zone prohibits zippers.
Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.
I knew I had to pay the mobster the money I owed him. It was a matter of life or debt.
The land where movies are made is called reel estate.
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
Are you a football jersey? Because I'd love to wear your number.
Going my way? I've got a seat open.
What do angry mice send to each other in December? Cross mouse cards!
What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter "Y"!
Comedians, the biggest joke going.
I like things with more miles per gallon.
Tire stores are highway rubbery.
A definition of Christmas: The time when everyone gets "Santa"-mental.
What is a pumpkin's favorite sport? Squash
Are you sterile gauze? Because you've wrapped me up completely.
Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
You're the reason my pipeline to happiness is always full.
I asked Kermit the Frog what I should use to join the pieces of metal, but all he said was, 'Rivet, rivet.'
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
What kids movie do you watch on Thanksgiving? The Mighty Turduckens!
It was so hot the other day that even the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.
My neighbor's sprinkler is a constant irrigation to me.
You have to smoke a couple of bowls before Thanksgiving dinner. I can't think of a better time to have the munchies.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Can I check out your oil with my dipstick.
Do you drive here often?
Hello, I am a thief and I am here to steal this dance.
At his trial, the author needed a character witness.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
If I were Peter Pan, dancing with you would be my happy thought.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Are you the nurse's station? Because I want to spend all my breaks with you.
Thanksgiving Day, across America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment... halftime.
The skeleton was trying tibia little humerus.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
I can drive stick if ya know what I mean.
Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.
Did it hurt when they manufactured you in heaven?
Are you a statute of limitations? Because I've got no time left to waste—I want you now.
Come back to my place and I will assimilate you into my collective!
So what kind of car do you drive?
We are going to have very HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad? - Ground him
What do they teach in witching school? - Spelling.
Why does a witch ride a broom? - Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.
What do you call two witches living together? - Broommates.
Where do ghosts go out? - Where they can get booo-ze.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? - Because he had bat breath.
