Keep the jokes short and funny. No one wants to read a long joke just to find out it's not that funny. One Liners is the answer. Who has time for long jokes anyway? Life's too short, take in as many as you can. Why waste your memory on long boring jokes? Our jokes are nice and easy to memorize to cheer up your friends or use it as a pick up line at the bar to break the ice. If you want a funny story, you won't find it here, short and funny jokes for a quick funny fix.
Top Funny Short Jokes
May I take you to dinner? Next Monday would be best because that's when my social security check arrives.
Break my hip, not my heart.
Are you a cat lady? Cause I'm the cat whisperer cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.
Is your name Viagra, cause I don't think they will be able to close my casket after a night with you.
Don't worry I won't bite... No teeth!
Your company is so delightful, I'm contemplating putting a new battery in my hearing aid.
I want to sweep you off your walker and into your wheelchair.
I wouldn't mind seeing you for the rest of my life.
Ohh baby...you're making my arteries hard.
I've got a Victrola back in my room. Wanna hear my Sinatra record?
I got a pension and I'm not afraid to use it.
Where'd you get that pretty MedicAlert bracelet?
I'll meet you for dinner. Does noon work?
I want to floss with your pubic hair.
I have a van out the back and there is free candy in it.
Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
If I touch you, do you promise not to call the cops?
It's hard for me to concentrate around you because all the blood from my brain has immediately gone to my penis.
My couch pulls out, but I don't
Hi, you'll do just fine!
You're so good lookin' I'd drink your bath water.
Just say yes now and I wont have to spike your drink.
I'm kind of new around here... can you show me the way to your apartment/house?
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
Is your Dad in prison? If I were your Dad, I'd be in prison.
Are you a termite? Because you're about to have a mouth full of wood.
If your feeling down, remember, I'll feel you back up
Are you that weird mole I found? Becasue I don't stop thinking about you.
Are you my phone? Because I can't stop staring at you in public.
Are you the exit? Because I always want to be near you.
Is your name Siri? Because talking to you is making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you know what this shirt if made of? Woah, I didn't say touch it!
Baby, all of your facial parts are in the right spots.
Are you depressed? Because I see you in my future.
Girl you're so hot that I would still talk to you even after I'm off the anti-depressant pills I stole from my hospital's pharmacy.
Can you give me directions... to your heart? And kidneys?
Will you run away from me somewhere romantic?
I've got a crawlspace with your name on it.
I have a loaded gun, get in the car.
I bet it hurt when you fell from Heaven? I can help you get there if you'd like?
Baby, I will blow your mind. Literally. With a bat.
Wanna come back to my place and see my itchings?
Your hospice bed or mine?
Are you an angel? Because I wish I was dead and if so, that'd be a great sign.
I've got a tiny blue pill with your name on it.
None of my children lives with me.
Did it hurt when you fell from the sky or have I finally made it to Heaven. If that's the case I didn't feel a thing!
Let's move things to the bedroom. We can use my stairlift.
My hips don't lie...except for the artificial one.
Let's make sweet love in the backseat of my car by the light of the blinking left turn indicator.
Either my pacemaker just shot craps or I'm in love.
Is your name Katniss? Because you're sparking a rebellion in my district.
Wanna sit on my lap and take a ride on my Hoveround?
You make me want to party like it's 1949!
Hey baby, is that a urinary drainage bag in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?
Baby is your name Cholesterol, because you send my blood pressure skyrocketing!
No, I didn't have a stroke; I was actually winking at you.
Do you want to get dinner with me? Must be between 4-4:30.
Girl I'd fake being a blind old man, just to touch you inappropriately.
I got a pill I could take back at my place, if you could tell me where my place is.
Hey, I just got my new teeth. Want to join me for dinner so I can test them out?
Your Nursing home or mine?
You remind me of someone I met during the summer of 1969, those were the best days of my life.
Baby, you must be dentures because I need to take you out every night.
Let's get a nice drink of prune juice sometime.
Wanna try out my new hip?
Let's get crazy and leave our teeth in tonight.
I've fallen for you and I can't get up.
Hey beautiful, they still let me drive. Wanna go for a ride?
When I look at you, my arteries aren't the only things that harden.
My kids are all grown up. We can have the house to ourselves, until I fall asleep around 7, 7:30 pm.
Hey baby, my boobs are looking right at your penis down there.
Is that a new hip or are you just happy to see me?
I got a bottle of wine and a new pack of Depends in my scooter if you're feelin' frisky.
Is that a Depends under your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Hey, you still breathing?
My teeth and I no longer sleep together, but you and I definitely should.
Do you play bingo? Because I've seen you B4.
Sit in my lap and let's talk about the first thing that pops up, or until my legs fall asleep.
Can I share your oxygen tank? Because you took my breath away.
I'm retired, so you know I have the time to please you.
Is that your catheter line...or are you just pleased to see me?
Just gotta new hip replacement. How's about you and me take it for spin?
Do I come here often?
I'd walker with you to the ends of the earth.
Where have you been all my life? Because I'm about to die soon.
I'm 80 but I dont feel a day over 79.
My arteries aren't the only things that have hardened.
Do you live in a 100 meters area?
Hey, can I borrow your Hearing Aid? My last girlfriend disappeared without returning mine!
How about I take you home and show you my medicine cabinet!
Getting lucky usually means finding my car in the parking lot, but tonight you can change that.
Hey, wanna good time? I bought some great Viagra back from Bali?
By me a drink and I'll take out my teeth for a good time.
Honey, you're playing with my heart. At least the dial that controls my Pacemaker.
How about you try out your new teeth on my meat.
As long as I have this wheelchair, youll always have a lap to seat on.
How about I take you back to my place where we can get into a heated arguement about social security.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
